subscribe
/ Sign Out

Parliament Emitting Angry Purple Aura, Say Homeopaths

MEMBERS of Parliament who criticised homeopathy have badly knotted chakras and are emitting an unhealthy purple aura, it was claimed last night.

As a committee of MPs said the not-medicine was 14 times less efficient than writing a letter to Jesus, homeopaths claimed the report had no credibility because it had not been buried for two weeks in a cocoon of damp horse chestnut leaves, directly over the right kind of ley line.

Not-Dr Julian Cook said: "The House of Commons is giving off the same aggressive, dark purple aura that you get from a GP's prescription or a box of paracetamol.

"These MPs have obviously neglected to re-mineralise their chakras but I can fix that with a simple course of quartz therapy and a tincture of henbane rubbed into their belly buttons. In exchange for some money."

The report could see government funding into the not-treatment being stripped back to £1 as according to homeopathic theory it will have the same effect as giving them £100 million.

Practitioners will apply for one penny of the new budget and then be advised to shake it vigorously in their bank account.

Committee member, Denys Finch-Hatton, said: "Their account will 'remember' the millions we used to give them and they can then try to buy new clinics by telling the builders about all the money that used to be there."

But Wayne Hayes, a registered Chi masseur from Carlise, said: "If these MPs are so clever then how come homeopathy is endorsed not just by people who watch Most Haunted but by a wide range of actresses, pre-menopausal television presenters and the Prince of Wales?

"That shut you up, didn't it?"

 

Brown's Insanity 'Distracting Voters From How Bad He Is At His Job'

CONSTANT coverage of Gordon Brown's psychosis is beginning to distract voters from how appalling he is at being prime minister, Labour strategists claimed last night.

Party chiefs say the last thing they want is for people to actually assess Mr Brown's years in power and that anything else, including lurid accounts of his schizoid temper, would be a welcome diversion.

In a bid to stop the electorate remembering all the moronic or self-serving decisions Mr Brown has made since 1997, the Labour campaign will now attempt to keep the media focused on his extensive portfolio of deep-seated character flaws.

Later this week Mr Brown will hold a rally for activists in the Midlands where he will eat a ham and egg sandwich with his mouth open, accompanied by a range of unbearable noises, and then reveal that in recent years he has become constantly and nauseatingly flatulent.

He will then visit a nursery school in Nuneaton where he will launch into a brutal, foul-mouthed tirade against a group of terrified, cross-legged three year-olds, before emptying his bowels in the staff toilet and 'forgetting' to flush.

A senior Labour source said: "It's so much easier for us to go out there every day and talk about what a dreadful human being he is rather than face questions about the billions and billions and billions and billions and billions and billions of pounds he has wasted over the last 13 years.

"Seriously, Alistair Darling spends most of the day curled up in a steamer trunk, pretending to be dead. It's like, 'Jesus fucking Christ man'."

The Tories are expected to hit back, deflecting attention from their lack of policies with a series of well-placed stories about how David Cameron is a stuck-up, patronising ponce who would invite you to dinner just so that he and his friends can laugh at your accent and ask how much you would charge to mow their lawn.

Douglas Alexander, Labour's campaign co-ordinator, said: "This is a crucial election for the future of Britain and it is right that we should focus on character. By the way, did you know that Gordon can't ride a bike and that his favourite actor is Jude Law?"

"Jude. Law."

 

Next story ›