THE UK has yet to meet even minimum standards of honesty about its level of intoxication, it has emerged. 

With Christmas party season in full swing, millions of Britons are claiming they alternated wine and water or stopped after their main course, shortly before collapsing into hedges or attempting to get on decks which are not there.

Martin Bishop, the manager of a Swindon accountancy firm, said: “I’m not pissed. Honestly I’m fine. It’s just that I seem to have lost a shoe.”

Communications manager Donna Sheridan agreed: “He’s not pissed. He’s only been on wine. You can’t get drunk on wine. I’ve been on spirits since 11am but I’m alright because I can still see. Is this one of those restaurants where you can smoke indoors?”

Attempting to hold on to a railing that was not there, Tom Logan of Stevenage said: “We lie about the drunk, the drink thing, not just to others like the girlfriend who I told I’d pick up her parents at the station tonight, but to ourselves. About drink.

“I’m fine. I am fine. Do you know Geoff? What time is it?”

Deputy payroll controller Helen Archer confirmed she could still give everyone a lift home because she had a big lunch and vodka does not count.

She explained: “You see vodka has no smell – it has no smell – so if the police stop me I can just pretend that I’ve had a stroke.

“But then again why would they, given that I don’t drink because I’m such a good girl. Now then, who would like to see what’s in my knickers?”