NEW Year is the time when tedious bastards decide they want to improve themselves. Here’s how to f**k it up for them.
Organise a party
Any attempts at detoxing are easily sabotaged by throwing a party in the middle of January. Everyone will be bored stupid with being good so even the merest hint of a drink or a smorgasbord of delicious cheeses will have them off the wagon in no time. And they won’t bother getting back on it as the month will be almost over anyway.
Tempt them with bacon
After they’ve ruined their attempt at Dry January, console them when they’re hungover the next day by cooking up a tasty bacon sandwich. They will weakly try to resist temptation as they’re doing Veganuary too, but, with the sinister charm of a drug dealer, you tell them that just one won’t hurt. Before they know it, it’s 4pm and they’ve just eaten a massive, delicious roast too.
Question their need to exercise
It’s boring if your friend says they need to get up to do Couch to 5K in the morning when you want them to get hammered with you at the pub, so make them doubt whether they should to be exercising at all. Tell them a made-up tale about your cousin’s girlfriend’s mate’s uncle who dropped down dead of a heart attack while jogging, and get another pint in.
Undermine their goals
Your only goal is to destroy other people’s goals. So when a friend tells you they’ve broken their best time while cycling, tell them about another friend who has already smashed that and more. Do it enough times and they’ll swap their exercise regime for sitting on the sofa watching The Real Housewives of Cheshire with you. As they should.
Beat them at their own game
Once you have fully demoralised your friend and they’ve thrown their trainers in the bin, embark on your own fitness journey. ‘Sorry, I can’t come shopping, I’m doing the Park Run this morning’ you’ll text them as you tie up your own running shoes. The high you get from f**king them over will be almost as good as a dab of MDMA and six pints of lager. Almost.
