'Deciding to eat healthily' confirmed as bleakest phase of a relationship

COUPLES who decide to start eating a healthier diet together have reached an all-time low in their relationship.

Committing with a partner to a shared goal of protecting one’s health has been identified as the moment the urge to have sex and fun together dies.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “While wanting to improve your diet is laudable, agreeing to fewer biscuits and no benders is a fast-track to joyless oblivion.

“The only way to avoid such a relationship precipice is to find someone who is truly incapable of thinking beyond their next Wotsits grab bag. Sadly, these highly desirable mates tend to get snapped up first.”

Lucy Parry, who has been in a relationship for two years, said: “At the beginning we lived on lager and takeaways. We smoked before, after and sometimes during sex, and ate nachos in bed. It was great.

“Now we’re into juicing together, and not nice juice like apple and pear, but dark shit like celery and beetroot.

“We both know it’s over, but neither of us is prepared to give up custody of the spiralizer.”

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How to rebuild your social skills after months of video calls

AS the world returns to semi-normality, the invitations are flooding in. But can you handle it after months of Zoom? Here’s how to deal with real life interactions:

Muting

It was great to be able to lower the volume on Gary when he started banging on, and to mute yourself to do a massive fart mid-pub quiz, but those days are over. Time to reacquaint yourself with the art of holding in both irritation and wind.

Pants

Your ragged old boxers are longer an acceptable bottom-half option for social occasions. No one is saying the return to jeans will be easy, but it is necessary if you don’t want to be ostracised or arrested.

Posing

As hard as it may be to remember now, socialising didn’t previously revolve around constantly checking yourself out while other people talk. If you can’t give it up, ask the pub when booking if they’ve got a massive mirror you can sit next to.

Social media

In the real world, it’s also far less acceptable to mindlessly scroll through Twitter and Facebook on the sly while people are talking. For a healthy ratio, give in to the urge to check your phone once for every 20 times it hits.

Goodbyes

Remember those? The beautiful simplicity of the ‘leave meeting’ function is gone, so get ready for old-fashioned drawn-out exits with the added fun of not being able to hug or shake hands. And don’t wave: it was bizarrely an accepted part of Zoom calls, but now you just look weird.

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