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MAN WHO SENDS UPPER CASE TEXTS TALKS THROUGH BULLHORN IN PUB

A MAN whose opinions are expressed in all caps on WhatsApp, Facebook and MailOnline comments also takes a megaphone to the pub. 

Wayne Hayes, an unemployed car park attendant, is so adamant that his thoughts deserve the attention of others he never types without first engaging caps lock and never speaks without electronic amplification.

He said: “THESE ARE MOMENTOUS TIMES AND THE VOICES OF MEN LIKE MYSELF WHO SEE THE TRUTH THE SHEEPLE AT LARGE PREFER TO IGNORE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVER.

“WAKE UP AND LISTEN TO THE TRUTH SHOUTING RIGHT IN YOUR FACE THROUGH A CRACKLY MEGAPHONE FROM TWO INCHES!”

Tom Booker, landlord of Steele’s local The Bay Horse, said: “Wayne comes in each evening at 6pm, with his electric bullhorn, and expresses his thoughts volubly at a high volume.

“Often it’s about not believing the lies of the establishment by which he means BBC Midlands News which we can’t hear over his voice anyway.

“He often sits himself down with strangers and starts blaring at them about chemtrails or whatever. They complain but as I always say, if you don’t like him block him.”

Congratulations, you have survived one year of Boris Johnson

WELL done! It seemed unlikely at times, but you have survived one year with Boris Johnson as prime minister. Let’s see what you’ve been through: 

That first speech

That opening enthusiastic, excited, catchphrase-laden vacuous and content-free speech let you know exactly what to expect. Right-wing commentators often approvingly describe Johnson as ‘Tiggerish’. Have they ever watched Winnie the Pooh? Tigger is shit-thick.

That prorogation bollocks

Cancelling parliament for three weeks was an inspired Dom Cummings outside-the-box move. It being ruled illegal and brought back early felt like a huge victory for Remainers. In reality, none of it proved anything apart from the prime minister’s propensity for an unforced clusterf**k.

The election

After a few bad reviews early on, Johnson essentially didn’t bother turning up. Corbyn was tetchy and irritated by the whole thing. The public didn’t want it in the way of Christmas. The whole thing was an exercise in passive-aggressive resentment, and as such deeply British.

Brexit Night

The fireworks went off, pissed blokes danced around in town squares, very little actually changed and Johnson took full credit for it, claimed the whole country was behind him and he was a great success. Hubris is a classical Greek word. You’d think he’d know it.

Coronavirus

The prime minister, with his well-known reluctance to believe in bad things, did so well at convincing himself the coronavirus was fine that he caught it and could have died. Has since decided that shops are more important.

Anniversary

A toast to our leader? May as well, in 12 months the whole country’s become functioning alcoholic shut-ins with feral children and no future. Truly we are made in His image.

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