NOBODY actually wants to eat a burger in what is essentially cake, so why do restaurants think it’s a good idea? They should stop serving this other bollocks too:
Burgers in brioche buns
Aside from the fact that brioche simply cannot retain the meat, cheese, pickles, bacon, mayo, relish, jalapenos, tomato, beetroot, lettuce and all the other nonsense that instantly falls out of a burger nowadays, it tastes sweet and has the consistency of pannetone. Stick with cheap white buns with sesame seeds. You’re not Heston f**king Blumenthal.
Truffle chips
In the olden days you just got chips on a plate but now they’re covered in all sorts of shit, from parmesan to chilli salt to cajun seasoning. The worst of the lot is chips covered in truffle, whether oil or shavings, because it tastes like arse but nobody wants to be the wretched, unsophisticated plebeian who admits to quite liking normal chips.
Bubble tea
What the f**k even is this? Who thought mixing milk with fruit juice and then putting snot-like globules of tapioca in it would be a good idea? It’s the sort of vile concoction you’d have made when playing ‘experiments’ in the kitchen as a kid. Except there’s a shop on your road now dedicated to selling this, and they’re making a mint.
Non-alcoholic gin
Gin only becomes a palatable drink when mixed with tonic, so why bother faffing around with it when it won’t even get you pissed? You could have a lovely, refreshing glass of Sprite or Fanta Lemon instead, and you wouldn’t be left worrying about the wisdom of drinking jewellery cleaner.
Variations on macaroni cheese
The whole point of macaroni cheese is that it’s the most bog-standard, basic bitch meal out there. So when people start adding things like porcini mushrooms, prosciutto, chilli, lobster or sodding cauliflower, all it achieves is turning a perfectly serviceable dish into a load of pretentious bollocks. Don’t get us started on the suddenly-popular American phrase ‘mac and cheese’. You may as well start saying you’re driving your Chevy to the levy when you’re popping to Asda in a Fiat Punto.
