Environment

A CAT being taken for a walk on a lead has condemned its owner as ‘a weirdo’, along with everyone else in the park.

A MAN furious at a summer of constant rain wants to treat it with the blazing anger it deserves, but is too British to do so.

UBER is preparing to launch a gondola service once Britain is completely under water.

A SPIDER has broken an unspoken agreement to remain in the same highly visible spot in the bathroom.

A WEEPING Jeremy Clarkson says he is only glad that he will not live to see the self-driving electric car dystopia that Britain will become.

BRITAIN will experience a lot of rain over the next few weeks because that is what happens at this time of year.

THE UK’s coming food shortages will make the nation’s allotment gardeners into the undisputed rulers of the country, experts predicted.

AN ICEBERG that has broken away from Antarctica is four times the size of London and also four times more hospitable, experts have confirmed.

DRIVERS of London’s new electric black cabs will spout intolerant, reactionary views about people who damage the environment, they have promised.

THE Lake District has gone right up itself since gaining World Heritage status, England’s other beauty spots have agreed.