Environment

SQUIRRELS are all on cocaine, it has emerged.

CHILDREN are only interested in going outdoors when it is incredibly cold, it has emerged.

A MOTORIST has insisted he complied with weather warnings because his trip to Burger King was essential. 

TERRIFIED Britons are frantically preparing for tomorrow’s icy blast by already having everything they need to comfortably survive it. 

A COUPLE are showing off their self-build eco-home, which is powered exclusively by their smug expressions.

PLASTIC-free aisles in supermarkets are to be used like singles bars by committed environmentalists, it has emerged.

PEOPLE who insist the days are getting longer are leaving a trail of psychological destruction across Britain.

I HAVE always been a passionate supporter of the environment. Trees, ditches, wasps – these are all truly wonderful nature things.

TURTLES have told the government to stop messing around, raise the plastic bag charge to £1 and send the cash straight to them.

A FRENCH mountain is covered in snow and smug, excitable arseholes, it has emerged.