Environment

THE continuing heatwave will be forcing Britons to look at shit tattoos for the rest of the week and into the weekend.

PEOPLE pretending to enjoy the sun by playing Frisbee and having barbecues would much rather be indoors watching Poldark, it has emerged.

A DOG’S feelings have been crushed after discovering that his owner’s best friend is actually a man named Martin.

A MAN who agreed to go on a country walk was shocked to discover it did not involve a pub, he has revealed.

A MIDDLE CLASS couple are making an agonising decision about whether to continue poisoning the air with their stove or their massive vehicle.

A FLY is somehow trapped in the living room of a house despite being guided towards an open patio door.

THE UK has woken up to yet another glorious, sunny, complete waste of decent weather because it is a Monday. 

THE spider who lives in your house is moving somewhere nicer, he has confirmed.

A VILLAGE-BASED hipster ignores his nearer and larger Londis because it has ‘sold out’, he confirmed.

PEOPLE who live in Scotland have stressed, once again, that the UK is experiencing a partial heatwave.