Environment

HAVE you returned from the garden centre with seven packets of seeds and a warm sense of contentment? Here’s how to nip those weird middle-aged feelings in the bud.

THE biggest obstacles to saving the planet are the clothing and physical appearance of environmental protesters, research has found.

A FLOCK of birds has gleefully anticipated the treat to come as a middle-aged man parked his convertible car beneath their tree.

LONDON is to become dominated by enormous menacing robotic penises thrusting into the sky, planners have confirmed.

A SUPERMARKET checkout assistant has confirmed she could not care less about your reasons for not bringing reusable shopping bags with you today.

A BALD man has been gently informed that it is too warm for him to continue wearing a woolly hat, especially indoors.

GOOD morning, I’m Michael Gove, and as you’d expect I know everything about agriculture.

THE snow that is paralysing the south of England is to be loaded into trucks and moved to the north, where they do not mind it.

A MAN who saw what he believed to be a snowflake has started stockpiling food as if he lives in the Antarctic rather than Chelmsford.

FOXES get off on people hearing them having loud sex, they have admitted.