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We want you to hear us having sex, say foxes

FOXES get off on people hearing them having loud sex, they have admitted.

The mammals, famed for their screeching late-night banging sessions, have finally confirmed that they are massive exhibitionists.

Fox Roy Hobbs said: “You think we have loud, public sex while humans are trying to get to sleep by accident? Please. We’re all kinky as shit.

“When we’re shagging I’m like, ‘Yeah, get a load of this, you sexually repressed suburban squares. This is what a real fox stud and a hot vixen sound like doing it.’

“We love it and we’re not going to be fox-shamed for our lifestyle. From what we’ve seen through windows, humans having sex can get pretty raunchy. Yeah, we’re voyeurs too.”

He added: “If any broadminded couples want to hook up, just leave your mobile number on a Post-it on your bin.”

Man pretty sure he can see muscles after six sit-ups

A MAN is convinced he is developing new muscles an implausibly short time after starting a feeble new fitness regime.

Office worker Wayne Hayes, whose New Year’s resolution is to ‘get ripped like Aquaman’, thinks he can already see a six-pack emerging after studying himself closely in the mirror.

Hayes said: “I reckon I can see muscles that will soon turn into a washboard stomach, although my girlfriend says it’s more likely to be a hernia because I’m so unfit.

“As well as several sit-ups I’ve done a half-mile run without stopping. Exercise is a really big part of my life now. I’ve got another five sit-ups scheduled for Saturday.

“I’m also cutting right down on carbs by not having chips on the way back from from the pub after six pints and upping my vegetable intake by not picking the olives off pizzas.

“If I’m seeing changes this quickly I’ll be ripped by the summer. In fact if the exercise is so effective I may as well skip the tedious jog I was planning tonight.”

Hayes’ girlfriend Donna Sheridan said: “I’m pretty sure you’re meant to lift weights more than three times before you stuff your face ‘to replace the lost protein’.”

 

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