Celebrity

THE Queen will use her annual Christmas message to announce that she will never die.

THE security services are planning to discredit Russell Brand by having him caught in an affair with a disreputable young woman.

DOZENS have been killed since the outbreak of a vicious battle between Britain’s leading quite posh crime families.

PRINCE Harry asked every winner at the Sports Personality of the Year awards if they were holding marijuana.

THE Queen’s corgis have been left permanently changed after consuming vast quantities of magic mushrooms.

THE Queen is to let Prince Philip deliver the Christmas speech, mainly just to see what will happen.

BRITONS have confirmed that they have no interest in touching the royal family.

THE royal family is now the intellectual property of the Walt Disney Company, it has emerged.

SINGER Chris Rea has set off on the drive back to his house for the festive season, it has been confirmed.

THE ridiculously good-looking lingerie models of Victoria’s Secret have confirmed that they were all quiet loners at school.