Celebrity

MICHAEL Jackson was a black man, it was claimed last night.

THE white matter visible in Lily Allen's left nostril in a recent paparazzi photograph is a tiny snowman made by a family of gnomes who live up her nose, it was claimed last night.

MICHAEL Jackson, the King of Pop, shocked the world last night by dying in an incredibly ordinary way.

EXPERTS have warned that unless Peter Andre stops weeping over his divorce much of southern England could soon be submerged by his pathetic tears.

APPRENTICE stars Phil Taylor and Kate Walsh could be dangerously close to making numerous, smaller versions of themselves, experts warned last night.

DETECTIVES who questioned Lindsay Lohan over the theft of a £250,000 diamond necklace are to call in Scarlett Johansson and Megan Fox while they're at it.

CRISTIANO Ronaldo celebrated his record-breaking £80m move to Real Madrid last night by joining the early morning queue outside Paris Hilton's private parts.

POP icon Madonna has adopted the BNP leader Nick Griffin, describing him as the 'perfect addition' to her rainbow tribe.

YOU know what's even cheaper than giving Jonathan Ross a 40% paycut? Sacking the fucker, licence payers said last night.

LINDSAY Lohan has given the green light to hours of furtive self-abuse after resuming her lesbian relationship with sort-of-female DJ Samantha Ronson.