I can't take it much longer without going insane, says proud dad William

PRINCE William has spoken of his joy at becoming a father.

The beaming prince was chatty and laid-back while describing how his infant son seems determined to destroy his sanity.

William said: “I can’t sleep, I can’t think, I feel weird all the time.

“The whole house smells of shit.”

Dressed casually in slacks and an open-necked shirt, the newly-mature prince said: “I just want to get in my helicopter and keep flying, flying to freedom, sweet freedom.”

Showcasing a cheeky sense of humour, Prince William added: “My brother is still just running around nailing loads of models. When I think of that I am filled with envy and dark feelings.”

The personable prince described the drama and emotion of being present at the future king’s birth.

“The baby comes out all covered in gunk.

“I’d seen babies being born on telly but nothing can prepare you for it, especially with the nurses wearing those weird masks and the stench of sweaty hair.

“It was utterly gruesome but the doctors were very stern so I had to stick around.

“Doctors are amazing, they must see nasty stuff every day and they just handle it.”

Gazing wistfully into the middle distance, he added: “We can keep chatting for a bit if you like, it’s nice and quiet here.”

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You know what Hollywood should do? They should make a film where two photogenic supernatural races are battling and humanity is stuck in the middle.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Sitting on a soft cushion in a recovery ward, you reflect on the fact that getting rid of the vases from your house was not, in fact, a vasectomy.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You confidence in Channel 5 is undermined after you’re watching claims the U-boat commander that sunk the most ships was Captain Looselips.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
At a party this weekend a civil engineer will reveal that the M25 was originally called the mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The push-up bra you bought recently is hopeless. Even when you’re wearing it down the gym you can still only do about 10 of them.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You regret studying geology for three years after chatting up a woman by saying “Girl, you so fine you would be classed as ‘colloid’ in the Wentworth system for measuring sediment particles.”

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After not going to the Edinburgh festival this year, you find what you miss most is the way it brings the best out in people.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If you’re struggling to find a university place via clearing, remember that a General Studies A level is essentially the same as being given a certificate after a pub quiz.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
An unexpected visited from Satan this week as he points out that somewhere within the iTunes Terms and Conditions you agreed to be his eternal slave.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
That Avon advert asks why you can’t turn your passion into a business, but you’ve yet to find somebody willing to pay you to slap your own genitals with Dairylea cheese slices.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Ending a long-term relationship can be hard but remember it’s an opportunity to rediscover who you are as a person, focus on your career and regain some independence. Bags of fresh cock out there, too.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Investigative  journalist? You may want to investigate the advantages of Dropbox, it’s perfect for moving large files without anyone getting a full cavity search.