Celebrity

X-FACTOR sweetheart Diana Vickers last night said she loved fellow contestant Eoghan Quigg but had not had sex with him yet because he's only five.

ALEXANDRA Burke will this morning begin a glamorous new life of cover versions, Heat magazine stories about her fat eyelids and being offered £250 to open the Macclesfield Glen retail and leisure park.

IT'S the age-old story of a mother who teams up with the halfwit uncle of her sleazy boyfriend to kidnap her own daughter and keep her on a nine foot leash until she can con £50,000 out of the News of the World.

TV chef Gordon Ramsay is urging consumers to buy freaky sex drugs that are in season.

THE soon-to-be ex-wife of Formula One tycoon Bernie Ecclestone has vowed to buy a taller husband or two midgets that can be bolted together.

PRINCE Charles will use the throne as a transmitter for his peculiar strand of bullshit when he becomes King, it was revealed yesterday.

THE playground marriage of Peaches Geldof is over after just two and a half hours.

RUSSELL Brand and Jonathan Ross are to team up with the corpse of Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother for a new prime-time show.

ITV was swamped with phone calls last night as viewers across Britain demanded fresh celebrities to worry about.

GUY Ritchie has refused a divorce settlement with Madonna and is instead planning to scam her out of '500 large' with the help of his Cockney mates.