Celebrity

THE Church of England has urged Prince William not to hop on a passing skank if Kate Middleton gains a few pounds.

TV spiv Derek Acorah has perfomed a mysterious ritual to rid an ordinary family of its self-esteem.

AS the Fukushima nuclear power station teeters on the brink of a catastrophic meltdown, someone has pointed out that it looks a bit like Fern Britton.

MOST British teachers are not famous enough to be able to inspire their pupils, according to a new report.

KATE Middleton has set up her own secret wedding list at John Lewis, it emerged last night.

VARIOUS bits of Titanic star Kate Winslet's have revealed how insufferable they find their host organism.

THE Vatican last night insisted Pope Benedict could not be more different from fascist dress designer John Galliano.

FUTURE royal brood mare Kate Middleton was admitted to church last night after apparently being possessed by Satan.

THE increasingly unpopular iPhone last night barricaded itself in a motel room with a brace of whores and a side arm.

TV CHEF Jamie Oliver forced a group of boys to try and achieve sexual fruition after they had encountered Cherie Blair, it has been claimed.