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Prince Andrew to attend peasants' Christmas dinner, possibly yours

PRINCE Andrew, banned from Christmas at Sandringham, is to celebrate the season at the house of a subject to be chosen at random. 

The Duke, whose children have both coincidentally decided to spend the day with their in-laws, has decided that rather than be alone he will bestow the gift of his Royal presence on a lucky British family.

He said: “Regretfully, my own family are somewhat stuffy. Disapprove of my friendships and whatnot. Judgemental pricks.

“So instead I shall alight on a new family for Christmas Day, and when I say alight I mean that I will be landing a helicopter on your lawn. Don’t bother about gazebos and that manner of thing, they’ll be crushed.

“I’ll stride in – well, you’ll have to open the doors for me, I’ve never got the hang of that – take my seat at the head of the table, and be happy with whatever you serve me. Don’t bother about swan, it’s rather too gamey, whatever nine-bird roast you’re doing will be fine.

“Gifts are not an issue because I take money, I’ll entertain your children with golfing and Falklands stories, your wives and daughters over 16 will appreciate my avid attentions, and I can’t sweat so that’s something of a party trick! Oh, we’ll have such fun!”

He added: “Can I ask one thing? No King’s speech this year. He’s such an over-privileged self-regarding boor.”

Last Tango in Paris, and other films that are not a great advert for bumming

ANAL can be a beautiful act between loving couples in committed relationships, but is rarely portrayed that way by so-called liberal Hollywood. These acts are off-putting: 

Deliverance (1972)

Camping is never fun, but the misery of wading through drizzle to the communal toilets in Anglesey is put into perspective by Ned Beatty’s hillbilly meet-cute. So relentlessly grim you’ll forever after avoid sex that way, and also canoes, sleeveless wetsuits and stringed instruments.

My Beautiful Launderette (1985)

Omar and Johnny make love in the back of a launderette while Omar’s uncle dances with his mistress in the front, for dramatic tension and arty symmetry between two very different modern romances. However you’ve got to ask if this high-risk situation is really worth it for the sake of a bang in the dingy back room of a launderette reeking of damp and Persil.

Last Tango in Paris (1972)

Protests against the film are entirely justified, as Maria Schneider hated being on set, had a sex scene sprung on her, and had to work with notorious mumbling arsehole Marlon Brando. The film itself is a dated, slow tale of emotionally disconnected sex. Even using butter is lousy advice, but Brando did love his food.

The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

Held in strangely high regard by audiences despite its cheesiness. And you wonder if, having exhausted the possibilities of evil clowns, zombie cats and spooky hotels, Stephen King’s Wheel of Terror landed on ‘prison rape’. The film doesn’t have much to say about two years of relentless abuse except homilies about never giving up. In a different King story he’d have been eaten by a Langolier.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (2011)

Early on, the eponymous heroine takes revenge with a metal dildo in a scene bound to make audiences wince. Then it becomes a labyrinthine thriller involving Nazi sympathisers, historic sexual abuse, Daniel Craig, doomed romance and hacking Swiss bank accounts. But it’s the dildo bit that stays in the mind.

American History X (1998)

Neo-Nazi Ed Norton abandons his former racism after his pals in the Aryan Brotherhood introduce him to the delights of gentlemanly love in the prison showers. You can see his point. Nonetheless it’s a poor advert for a common practice, and doesn’t yet appear to have worked on Tommy Robinson.

Brokeback Mountain (2005)

Finally, consensual anal. Though it’s back to camping and more rough and sudden than romantic. Frankly as professional gay cowboys you’d expect the prospect of a lengthy horse ride the next day to be factored in. Won’t inspire anyone to try something new in the bedroom, unless it’s herding sheep.

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