A WOMAN is sending Christmas cards with caring, personal handwritten messages to everyone except the worthless shitstains who did not send her cards in 2023.
Susan Traherne, aged 58, carefully noted those who skipped their mandated expression of festive goodwill last year and confirmed they will not be offered even one f**king ounce of seasonal cheer.
She continued: “I’ve got my list and too bloody right I’m checking it to see who’s been naughty or nice. And the naughty get piss all. Not even a charity one.
“Last year, for example, Sarah from aerobics got a beautiful M&S-produced missive so nice it may as well have been made by elves. And I, by my own hand, pledged in neat handwriting my heartfelt felicitations ‘for a wonderful Xmas’ to her whole family, all named, all names spellchecked.
“Yet, after I had given my heart to her in this way, she did not reciprocate my tidings of joy and frankly may as well have taken a dump under the Christmas tree. I’m not wasting ink on that bitch.
“Forgiveness is for Easter. Christmas is about achieving ruthless parity. That card worked out at 53 pence, plus calligraphy and the labour cost of walking it down to hers. It had gold leaf on it.”
She added: “Ah shit, hold on, she’s just put one through the letterbox. And a mini box of Lindor. Bollocks.”
