BOOZY workplace Christmas dos are a danger zone for inappropriate behaviour. Luckily former MasterChef presenter Gregg Wallace is an expert in this particular field. Here are his tips.
Retire ‘coming down your chimney’ jokes
Apparently not all ladies are receptive to you saying ‘Is Santa coming down your chimney this year, Lucy?’ with a creepy leer on your face, so it’s probably time to retire this joke and its variants. Which is a shame, because what could be more Christmassy than talking about ejaculation?
Go easy on the booze
Avoid getting too tipsy with tried-and-tested tips like drinking beer rather than wine and alternating alcoholic drinks with soft ones. That way you’ll avoid ill-judged comments and if someone is offended you’ll remember the exchange. Just recently the comedienne Katy Brand brought up an innocent quip I made ages ago: ‘I’ll munch the living daylights out of your little tart.’ Which I’ll admit is a bit saucy, but I was relieved to remember I’d only said ‘tart’.
Some Christmas banter may no longer be acceptable
Many women nowadays are not okay with traditional festive banter such as ‘I wouldn’t mind you in my stocking!’ and ‘You’re a Christmas cracker!’. I can’t think why. And if your Christmas do involves a roast dinner, I’d think twice about telling ladies whether you’re ‘a leg or a breast man’. It turns out some of them don’t like this, especially if you’re staring unnervingly at their tits.
Play it safe with Secret Santa
Office wags have always found it amusing to give embarrassing Secret Santa gifts such as vibrators to women or gay porn to blokes. But this can be misinterpreted, so I’d avoid it. It’s not a problem for me personally because this year all my colleagues, male and female, will be getting their usual gift: a signed photo of me topless.
Try not to grope someone during ten-pin bowling
It’s common for workplace Christmas dos to include a fun activity such as ten-pin bowling. However recent events suggest you shouldn’t insist on helping women by leaning over them disturbingly and gripping various body parts to ‘adjust their stance’. It might be wise to lay off the jokes about ‘handling big balls’ too, hilarious though they are.
In fact lots of bodily contact is not okay, even at Christmas
With all the hugging and kissing that takes place at Christmas it’s easy to assume all bodily contact is fine. But strangely that doesn’t include pressing your crotch against women. I haven’t done that, despite someone giving a very clear and definite description of me doing it, but if I had, which I haven’t, I’m sure we can all agree it’s an easy mistake to make, right?
Remember to wear pants
There are a million things you have to remember to do at Christmas, so it’s easy to forget to put on underpants when you’re getting ready for your Christmas do. If your trousers then somehow become unbuttoned you might inadvertently show someone – possibly a female person – your pubic hair. But it’s clearly just an innocent act of forgetfulness, like forgetting to buy sprouts. Yes. Exactly like that.
