Business

BRITAIN'S newest high street bank has promised not to pretend to be your friend.

THOUSANDS of old people are still dying from hypothermia because the price of gas is too high, British Gas has claimed.

BP chief Tony Hayward will finally get his life back today, as well as the average earnings of at least 12 other lives.

BURGER King last night stressed there is a very good reason why its advertising campaigns do not show the actual burgers.

GLOBAL cocoa prices have increased sharply after 28 year-old PA Nikki Hollis was dumped by her long-term boyfriend.

SUPERMARKET giant Tesco is offering a sandwichalisation service, giving customers the chance to place any form of matter between two slices of bread.

RYANAIR chief executive Michael O'Leary has asked the little people of Ireland to forgive him for stealing their precious gold.

TRAGIC pop accident Jedward is to be eaten in a bap as part of a special offer meal deal at Subway.

AFTER a lengthy period of product development, Happiness hit the shelves of major stores today, priced £12.99.

FURNITURE giant Ikea is using memory-wiping gas to make customers forget how awful their visit has been, it was claimed yesterday.