Business

BP chief Tony Hayward will finally get his life back today, as well as the average earnings of at least 12 other lives.

BURGER King last night stressed there is a very good reason why its advertising campaigns do not show the actual burgers.

GLOBAL cocoa prices have increased sharply after 28 year-old PA Nikki Hollis was dumped by her long-term boyfriend.

SUPERMARKET giant Tesco is offering a sandwichalisation service, giving customers the chance to place any form of matter between two slices of bread.

RYANAIR chief executive Michael O'Leary has asked the little people of Ireland to forgive him for stealing their precious gold.

TRAGIC pop accident Jedward is to be eaten in a bap as part of a special offer meal deal at Subway.

AFTER a lengthy period of product development, Happiness hit the shelves of major stores today, priced £12.99.

FURNITURE giant Ikea is using memory-wiping gas to make customers forget how awful their visit has been, it was claimed yesterday.

THE new Xbox allows gamers to reclaim their lives by playing itself, it was revealed last night.

BP executives are today standing on the Louisiana shoreline, looking at each other with furrowed brows and occasionally skimming a pebble across the oily water, it has been confirmed.