Business

BRITAIN was well on the road to economic recovery today after the government made everything less affordable.

BRITAIN'S workers have long since stopped doing anything remotely productive, it emerged last night.

THE iconic Machin Head portrait of the Queen could be replaced on stamps by Katie Price's steam-cleaned vagina if some foreigners buy the Post Office, it has been confirmed.

AS FREEZING weather and icy roads threatened to leave Britain without Christmas presents, people across the country insisted it didn't matter in a series of putrid, stinking lies.

THE latest fashions are trendier than ever and look set to be the in-thing, experts have confirmed.

A BOOMING rental sector means that letting agents are set to topple estate agents as Britain's leading parasitical scumbags for the first time since 2011.

CLOTHING giant Gap was last night forced to abandon its plan to replace its classic blue square logo with the swastika.

THE UK government could be made cheaper and more efficient if civil servants were paid 50 pence an hour, the boss of Topshop has claimed.

MAJOR gas suppliers are attempting to convert their customers' bitter tears of woe into an eco-friendly fuel.

CHEAP clothes giant Primark is to stop selling clothes and instead simply charge the public to come and mess up its shops.