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What I did while earning $60 million from Amazon and creating f**k all. By Phoebe Waller-Bridge

WONDERING what Phoebe Waller-Bridge was up to while earning $60 million from Amazon without producing a show? The Fleabag star reveals all.

Said ‘f**ked me up the arse’ a lot in writers’ rooms

Everyone lost their shit when I referred to bum sex in Fleabag, back in the days when I could actually be bothered to hammer out a script. So can you blame me for rehashing this old crowd-pleaser in every meeting I have, like for this Lara Croft series I’m supposedly working on? Sadly it’s not come to anything yet, but on this wage I don’t give a f**k.

Twiddled my thumbs

Writing involves a lot of downtime when you’re waiting for your muse to strike. And if you’re raking in $60 million with no pressure to produce anything, there’s no big rush for your muse to turn up. This might sound like just aimlessly sitting around eating biscuits, but remember I invented breaking the fourth wall and typed the words ‘hot priest’, so I deserve every cent.

Slummed it in an Indiana Jones film

There’s only so long you can earn eye-watering sums of money for doing absolutely nothing before you start to get bored. So I dragged myself out of bed and plonked myself in front of some film cameras. Acting might not be as becoming as the dignified craft of writing, but it got me out of the house and made me a nice little bit of extra spending money. And Indiana Jones fans loved Dial of Destiny!

Pissed about on the internet

Like anyone with vague goals and no real deadlines, I spent a lot of my time bouncing between YouTube and Instagram. At first I’d frantically minimise windows of cat videos and TikTok microwave recipes and fire up Final Draft if someone walked in on me, but after a while I started to brazenly leave them open. It’s not like Amazon can afford to make me redundant.

Pitied writers trying to break into the industry

Writing is one of the hardest professions to get into. You have to write dozens of really good pilots just to get your foot in the door, and even then the opportunities are precarious and the pay is often crap. I really felt  sorry for aspiring writers as I got paid a literal fortune to live their dream while not actually achieving anything. I was so sad I had to buy myself a solid gold patio set to cheer myself up.

Mr Bump, and other zero-effort World Book Day costumes for parents who can't be arsed

SICK of finding costumes for World Book Day? Just wrap them in some toilet paper and say they’re Mr Bump. Try these too:

Harry Potter

Forget the wand, the glasses and the broomstick, if you simply Sharpie a lightning bolt onto your kid’s forehead the job is done.

Mr Bump

Dress them in blue and wrap them in toilet roll.  If they moan about Mr Men being for babies tell them they’re going as Tutankhamun. From a book about Tutankhamun.

The Boy In The Dress

Only works if they’re a boy. And very brave, even in these enlightened times.

Matilda

Just hand them a book to take in. Make it meta by giving them a copy of Matilda.

Edward Cullen or Bella Swan

All this requires is some white face paint. Endlessly creeping about whispering in forests like the shit Twilight films is optional.

Severus Snape

Give them a stick to hold and dress them in black. A bin bag will do.

The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas

Just requires a pair of striped pyjamas. And nerves of steel. You’ll offend everyone and be kicked out of the P5 WhatsApp group by the end of the day.

Captain Underpants

So low effort they don’t even have to get fully dressed to go to school. The only drawback is that you might receive a visit from social services later in the day.

Patrick Bateman

He loved a shirt and tie. Just give their uniform an iron and send them in without their school jumper. A nail gun will add extra authenticity.

The Canterville Ghost

Ghosts are invisible, which means you can keep your child at home playing Fortnite so you don’t even have to leave the house.

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