VICE-president JD Vance caused outrage by disparaging random European countries that are definitely not, he later clarified, Britain. So where did he mean? 

Steve Malley, Royal Marine: “Probably Andorra, Lichtenstein or the Vatican. They don’t pull their weight. Though, to their credit, the Vatican did help Nazis escape to South America.”

Lucy Parry, glazier: “This assumes that Vance knows both any history and the names of more than five European countries, which is likely not the case.”

Roy Hobbs, Olympic fencer: “I think Switzerland, which he knows because he watches The Sound of Music nightly dressed up as a nun and jerking himself off with a Goebbels glove puppet.”

Fran Ryan, fishmonger: “He’ll mean France, they always mean France. Macron should dispatch a crack squad of Gallic seducers to go over to Ohio and f**k his mother.”

Denys Finch Hatton, historian: “He does realise we’re generally going at each other like a sack of methed-up cats, doesn’t he? Don’t judge Europe on recent history.”