MUSIC festivals are boring, tiring and you are an arsehole when you are drunk, children have told their parents.
Despite middle-class couples believing their kids have a magical time at events full of coked-up dickheads and ear-splittingly loud music made by artists often approaching retirement age, the opposite is true.
Eight-year-old Charlotte Phelps said: “The massive ones like Glastonbury are knackering, the hippy ones like Green Man are boring, and the little ones my mum describes as ‘boutique’ where her mate from uni is the DJ are arse-achingly embarrassing.
“Plus, we invariably spend most of the day imprisoned in the kids’ field, which dad says is ‘fun’, but he has he ever spent five hours being forced to use a hula hoop by a grown woman dressed as a fairy? No.
“And if we do get to see any music, it’s never someone we enjoy, like Chappell Roan. Mum says Orbital are legendary but to me it just looked like two old blokes with torches stuck to their heads standing behind a computer.
“And don’t get me started on the ones that are really old now like Cyndi Lauper. They scare me.
“So I’m refusing to go this year. I’ll spend a long weekend with Gran instead. She gives me sweets, has a functioning toilet and never gets off her face on MDMA while she’s listening to Val Doonican.”
