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My nine-point plan for the world to forget what a bellend I've been, by Elon Musk

UNACCOUNTABLY, it appears acting the twat in front of the whole world can damage perceptions of you. No matter. This is my genius plan to turn that around: 

One: stop DOGE

DOGE was brilliant, everything it did was brilliant, and it’s cut an estimated nine trillion dollars in waste. That this was later revised to $232,877.14 changes nothing. But it appears sacking people for no reason is unpopular, so I’m out.

Two: stop supporting foreign fascists

Flying across the world informing countries they must back far-right parties was a brilliant idea, proving I’m smarter than Einstein, only failing to take into account that they did not want me to. Message understood, Europe! Buy my cars.

Three: stop tweeting

Though of course I call it X-ing. Because the site is called X now. Not Twitter. Regardless, staying up until 5am retweeting – sorry, re-X-ing – neo-Nazi conspiracies is apparently ‘damaging the brand’. Impossible to predict. A Black Swan event basically.

Four: stop associating with President Trump

Shareholders, investors, market managers; all people who, I’ve discovered, pay attention to numbers. So when Trump, to whom I am First Buddy, imposes nonsensical tariffs and wrecks the economy, they notice and I look bad right next to him.

Five: stop making wild promises I cannot possibly keep

I am going to Mars, and soon. Tesla’s self-driving cars will work perfectly from next year. All hot babes want my IVF babies. These are not promises but statements of fact. And I have to stop sharing them, just because science lets me down?

Six: seriously, stop tweeting

Whoops! Did I just share a message claiming the IMF is a paedophile ring with the word ‘Interesting’? I didn’t even know my hands were typing frenetically! It’s because I’m on ‘shrooms.

Seven: erase all evidence of my being a bellend from the entire internet

I can do this, I’m a hacker as well as the greatest World of Warcraft player that ever lived. Begin by deleting all the stuff on X, done, should be done, why isn’t it working? Oh yeah, I fired everyone. Okay this might take longer than I thought.

Eight: run my $745 billion company like I mean it

Kind of insulting to suggest a man of my talents could be fully occupied running Tesla. And Space X. And xAI, The Boring Company, Neuralink and X. The things I do for shareholder value.

Nine: no more Nazi salutes

What, seriously? None?

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Six pricks who'll jump the queue to see the Pope lying in state

NOTHING brings out the world’s pushy knobheads like a lying-in-state, so expect to see these monsters make a mockery of open casket mourning at the Basilica: 

Prince William

It would be absurd to expect the first in line to the throne to line up with the rest of the mourning shitmunchers. He has to be in and out in a tight fifteen before jetting back to support Kate in her latest photo opportunity. Which is a shame, because he’s excited to finally experience a lying-in-state as an outsider for once.

Katy Perry

If her astronautics are anything to go by, expect Katy Perry and a girlboss squad to shove past the pious for selfies holding daisies in front of the Pope’s corpse. While cringeworthy, this will later be argued to be a brave f**k you to the patriarchal institutions of Catholicism.

President Trump

Jumping the queue is the least-awful outcome. There’s a real risk Trump will criticise the Vatican’s ornate decor for not being gaudy enough, call all Catholics losers then try to aggressively shake the Pope’s hand. None of which would even spark much outrage because this behaviour tracks with current expectations.

Holly Willoughby

Losing the Pope wouldn’t be complete without seasoned queue jumper Holly defending her title. Sadly, though Philip Schofield feels a real affinity with the priesthood, he’ll sit this one out and leave her to skip the line solo. And when she’s exposed she will ask ‘Firstly, are you okay?’

Andrew Tate

The Top G doesn’t queue with beta Catholic cucks. He’ll roar past them in a Bugatti Chiron Pur Sport that’ll make all the nuns in attendance wet, give Christ’s vicar on Earth a brief salute then do a full set of lifts and reps right up there on the Papal Altar. Millions of impressionable young men will yearn to follow his example.

Bonnie Blue

OnlyFans star Bonnie Blue is used to being at the end of a long line of sclerotic men, so she’ll gleefully stroll past the crowds out of habit. Which will only result in the queue getting exponentially longer as men fly in from all around the world to pay their respects. Because she gives, and gives, and is so very humble.

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