A GROUP of Irish pre-teen rappers have recorded the viral hit The Spark. Unsurprisingly it is f**king horrible and all traces of it should be destroyed, along with these other ‘heartwarming’ child hits.
There’s No One Quite Like Grandma – St Winifred’s School Choir, 1980
A sickeningly twee tribute to grans with clunky lyrics: ‘She’s there in times of need/ Before it’s bedtime, on her knee, to us a book she’ll read.’ You’ve got to wonder what old person would actually want to be honoured with crap like this. Maybe there really is no one quite like grandma – no one with her complete f**king lack of musical taste, anyway.
The Spark – Kabin Krew & Lisdoonvarna Crew, 2024
Nine-year-olds rapping is never a good idea, but internet morons and the BBC have decided this is ‘life-affirming’, so f**k you. It’s the result of an Irish youth project allowing the kids to make a rap track, and you can’t deny it’s upbeat, in a ‘Christ, make it stop’ kind of way. Required listening for anyone who’s wondered what it’s like to have a bad trip at a children’s birthday party.
Long Haired Lover From Liverpool – Little Jimmy Osmond, 1972
Disturbingly high-pitched novelty song inexplicably made worse by adding a banjo. It’s jarring that nine-year-old Jimmy should be singing about being your lover, but the real horrors are his hair and jumper, which instantly give you flashbacks to the grim, taste-free 1970s. It would be less unsettling if the IRA had recorded a Christmas single.
Grandad – Clive Dunn, 1970
Clive Dunn sings most of it, but the child singers who do the ‘Grandad, you’re lovely’ bits are equally culpable. ‘I’ve been sitting here all day, thinking,’ mumbles Clive, sadly. ‘Now my days are gone, memories linger on, thoughts of when I was a boy.’ Christ it’s depressing, especially when you realise you’ll be in Grandad’s rocking chair one day, alone with your memories, all the people you once loved now dead and rotting in the uncaring earth. Not really one to put on at parties.
Jump – Kriss Kross, 1992
If cynicism made a sound, it would be this. To target a younger rap audience, pint-sized rappers Chris Kelly and Chris Smith spit rhymes that are not only blandly generic but also slightly inappropriate for 12-year-olds: ‘I’ll make you bump bump, wiggle and shake your rump.’ I don’t think so, lads, I’m 36. Still, it’s interesting to see what would happen if you put Snoop Dogg through a shrink ray.
ABC – The Jackson Five, 1970
Even if you find it catchy rather than irritating, with hindsight you can’t help but notice the sinister undertones – you can tell just by the polished dance routines that some pretty punishing rehearsals took place. It’s hard not to speculate that if this and I Want You Back hadn’t been hits, Michael might have had a normal life and not been so destructive to himself and others as an adult. And you wouldn’t have to listen to his annoying squeaky voice. Everyone’s a winner, except Joe Jackson.
It’s the Hard-Knock Life – Aileen Quinn, 1982
Annie, the film of the musical of the comic strip, is the usual cute orphan bollocks about escaping from a cruel orphanage and getting adopted by a kindly rich person. This song is the sort of good-people-will-get-their-reward-eventually toss you expect from musicals, but there’s no excuse for Jay-Z making an even shitter version. You did 99 Problems, you twat, you didn’t need to sample this.
