Six Hollywood movies that get Britain offensively wrong

TEA on the lawn, cheeky Cockney characters, and the prime minister living in a thatched cottage in Trafalgar Square. These films f**ked up at portraying Britain:

Mary Poppins (1964)

From the sea captains on the roof monitoring the wind to the joyful, dancing child chimney sweeps, this film doesn’t get a f**king thing right apart from bankers being bastards. And Dick Van Dyke, bless him, wrested an accent of wildly confused Irish Cockney from the very pits of madness and made Americans think we all talk like that.

Three Men and a Little Lady (1990)

Set in England for no reason whatsoever, this shit sequel crams in cruel boarding schools, twatty aristocrats and that quintessentially English experience: getting caught in a flock of sheep en route to a remote country church while in a Mini Cooper driven by a nun.

V For Vendetta (2005)

Not inaccurate in its portrayal of a dystopian fascist Britain, but a breakfast called ‘eggy-in-a-basket’ has never been eaten by anyone on these shores. Also firmly believes the height of British satire, which the government executes a man for, is The Benny Hill Show.

The Eternals (2021)

Sersi rushes up the steps of the Natural History Museum to find Kit Harington just teaching a class. A load of kids at school in a major national museum. Uh? This scene is also unforgivable for missing the chance to confirm Andy’s Dinosaur Adventures as part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

King Ralph (1991)

The Queen’s two-minute Paddington video is the most we’d seen of her since the three-minute Bond one a decade earlier, but Americans think we’re obsessed. They also believe the nation responsible for the Stones, Led Zepp and The Who is discomfited by rock music, and should the Royal family be electrocuted and John Goodman appointed, we’d marry him to a Finnish princess for oil rights.

Green Street (2005)

West Ham’s got violent fans alright. They’ve got a reputation. One they wouldn’t jeopardise by letting a 5ft 5ins star Harvard student on a gap year join them to pad out his resumé. ‘August-June 05-06: interned with English hooligan firm. Contact Bovver for references. Do not question Charlie Hunnam’s accent.’

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'Couples that 10k together, stay together' and other things twats will surely be saying soon

PHRASES like ‘OK, Boomer’ are annoying but increasingly obsolete. Twats have these aggravating little phrases ready to take their place:

‘Couples that 10k together, stay together’

Likely to be coined by a pair of Strava-addicted twats too good to spend their Saturday mornings nursing hangovers like normal people. Before long it will be printed on skintight his-and-hers running vests in Comic Sans without any irony. Call these people on their bullshit and you will be labelled a jealous hater.

‘So far, so Qatar…’

Every World Cup mishap, from a misplaced pass by Harry Maguire to a maimed stadium worker or a jailed homosexual, will be greeted with this droll reply. Hearing fans sing it to the tune of Sweet Caroline will almost be as bad as FIFA’s decision to hand World Cups to Russia and an oil-rich desert.

‘McBrexit’

The looming possibility of a second Scottish independence referendum needs a suitably snappy name to connect with the public, and there’s no way the country is going to get on board with the logical choice of ‘Scexit’. Instead the tabloids will settle on McBrexit, which will be the last push Scotland needs to tell the UK to f**k off.

‘Platty Jubes Plus One’

It’s hard to make a phrase as annoying as Platty Jubes even worse, but that won’t stop the British public from trying. Come the anniversary of the long bank holiday, people will whip out the bunting and declare the date Platty Jubes Plus One. Unless the worst happens and a mourning public is forced to observe a Statty Funers.

‘Free Rebekah Vardy’

The phrase ‘Wagatha Christie’ has done an amazing job in promoting an otherwise hard-to-follow legal battle, but when the verdict finally lands expect this slogan to emerge if the Rooneys win. So what if it ignores the difference between a civil case and not a criminal trial? The tabloids need to whip up prejudice in as few words as possible somehow.

‘Whose Tesla shall we take?’

The car brand for battery-powered twats is continuing its slow, almost silent, creep across the nation. While still in the minority, owners of Musk Wagons continues to grow. This means we’ll soon be forced to listen to simpletons use the word Tesla interchangeably with the word car. Bore off and get a scooter.

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