GETTING a group of co-workers to mesh can be a challenge, but you don’t need to waste money on wanky team-building events. Simply appeal to their basest instincts, like this…
Pick a scapegoat
Pick someone at random – the whole point of scapegoats is that they haven’t done anything wrong – and watch your team fit together like a jigsaw minus one piece. Nothing is quite so bonding as snidey bitching and exclusionary in-jokes, and when there’s an actual f**k-up at work you’ve got someone waiting to be blamed. Some might say this is creating a ‘toxic workplace’, but that fails to factor in the gains in employee satisfaction from everyone having a good laugh at Ian’s stupid hair.
Bribery
Most parents will agree will agree that bribery works when done in food form with toddlers, and there’s no reason to think your colleagues are significantly more mentally advanced. The bar for workplace food is usually set pretty low, so you should be able to buy them off with some slightly soggy tuna sandwiches. You could always try them with chicken nuggets; chances are they’ll agree to carry out a murder for that.
Only employ hot people
Ever noticed how little friction attractive people generate at work? No one is going to criticise a hot person’s incompetence when they’re – rightly – looking at the bigger picture of getting into their pants. And hotties all have great interpersonal skills because their dull anecdotes and petty whinging become absolutely fascinating if they look like Gal Gadot. It’s not clear how ugly people are meant to find gainful employment under this system, but the problem will solve itself when they starve.
Get irresponsibly pissed
Easy to organise – skip lunch and head to the pub for the rest of the day – and soon you’ll be enjoying the camaraderie that only comes from falling over and oversharing mortifying secrets. Plus everyone will tell each other they love them before vomiting down themselves and getting the wrong night bus home, and that’s worth 20 glowing performance reviews, if any of them remember it. There’s a slight danger a colleague may know something damaging about you, but thanks to the collective blackmail situation Jen is unlikely to shaft you if you know she had a lesbian phase at uni purely to look cool.
Two truths and a lie
The classic icebreaker where two things you say are true and one is a lie, and everyone has to guess which is which. In practice it instantly falls flat because most people are too thick to think of a lie that doesn’t stand out from the other statements. This is where the team-building comes in: everyone agreeing what an absolute twat Gavin is for saying ‘I’ve got a dog called Henry’, ‘I like Italian food’ and ‘I once got bitten by a werewolf’.
Induce Stockholm Syndrome
If all else fails, have someone kidnap your whole team and hold you at gunpoint with no access to the outside world so that you become permanently trauma-bonded. Sure, when you’re finally released you’ll have a feast of psychological problems like agoraphobia and an inability to act without the permission of an authority figure, but it’s less expensive than a company retreat. And also less mentally scarring than painful smalltalk during buffet lunches while holding a plate with a stupid little glass holder on it.
