RECENTLY the creators of female characters have had to rein in their sexual fantasies slightly. But these are still clearly the work of male nerds who wanted to go out with them.
Harley Quinn
Harley’s relatively demure jester outfit has been replaced by Margot Robbie’s tight t-shirt and tiny hotpants. Harley is insane, and to a male nerd this is wonderfully fascinating. If you’ve ever been out with real women, you’ll realise mental girlfriends are a pain in the arse. You couldn’t go to Tesco without Harley stealing a chocolate orange, getting caught, then probably murdering everyone, when all you wanted was a quiet night in with a bottle of rioja and a lasagne.
Emma Frost
Ms Frost, of the X-Men universe, has powers that include being able to turn into diamond, long-range mind control and being blonde with big tits. Her outfits are all basically underwear: bra, pants, a bustier if it’s nippy and a lingerie-style cape. Basically, she couldn’t be a more blatant sexual fantasy if she carried condoms and lube. Ladies be warned – this is how you’ll have to dress in a Handmaid’s Tale-style dystopia if the patriarchy are all superhero nerds.
Number Six
Number Six, played by former model, Tricia Helfer, is a Cylon, one of the evil robots from Battlestar Galactica. But conveniently she’s an incredibly hot cyborg indistinguishable from a human. It kind of makes sense if you’re infiltrating Earth’s defences, but the main reason (apart from ratings) is surely that no man would put his penis anywhere near the other Cylons’ moving metal parts.
Lara Croft
Lara’s large breasts, tiny waist and microscopic shorts are credited to games designer Toby Gard, but no one subsequently thought to give her Royal Marines-issue kit more suited to jungles and abrasive environments like, say, tombs. Lara would actually be a huge disappointment for any man going out with her, as the first thing she’d do is change into comfy jogging bottoms, a sports bra and sweatshirt.
Alice
Milla Jovovich’s character in Resident Evil fights off hordes of mutants in what appears to be a cocktail dress, later a black, skintight catsuit, which all sci-fi-horror-action heroines seem to own (see Underworld). Alice has no personality, almost as if a male scriptwriter forgot to give her one. But is it strictly necessary for women to have a personality? Discuss.
Wonder Woman
The conclusion you’re forced to draw is that Wonder Woman’s various creators were primarily concerned with how hot she looked. Shocking, we know. But it was actually scary watching Lynda Carter run in those heels, and while Gal Gadot’s outfit looks more like ancient armour, it might have been a good idea to protect her legs. Okay, Diana is largely impervious to physical damage, but in that case why bother with a costume at all? Although that would get audiences back into cinemas after the shitshow that was Wonder Woman 1984.
Catwoman
Catwoman’s outfit is a bad case of form over function. Even the worst-prepared house burglar at least takes a screwdriver, but Catwoman just shows up in a catsuit with ridiculous pointy ears. Since the 1960s her outfits have got stranger, with Halle Berry wearing what appears to be BDSM gear off Wish.com. Christopher Nolan did strike a blow for female emancipation when he gave Anne Hathaway’s Catwoman a small utility belt. Perfect for keeping her lippy and tampons in.
