Luton Airport car park purged of bedbugs

LUTON Airport’s Terminal Car Park 2 has been successfully purged of the bed bug infestation sweeping the country, it has emerged.

The controlled immolation means that the smouldering pile of rubble is the only place in Britain safe from the swarm of blood-sucking parasites currently causing panic on the London Underground.

Airport spokesperson Tom Booker said: “We heard reports that a bed bug had been spotted in the wheel arch of a Peugeot 306, so we sent in some heavies with flamethrowers. As you can see they’ve done a bang-up job.

“We apologise for the disruption to flights but you’ve got to be thorough with this sort of thing. Ideally we would have napalmed from here to Winch Hill but we had to act quickly. Maybe next time.

“The results speak for themselves though. The collapsed site is now completely free from bed bugs, not to mention driveable cars. Maybe they should do something similar to the Tube if everyone’s freaking out about them?”

Stranded traveller Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve cancelled my flight to Paris and decided to go on holiday in the car park instead. Much safer.”

Prescott punching an egg-thrower: Responses to political protests less boring as f**k than Starmer's

KEIR Starmer boringly removed his jacket and carried on with his speech after having glitter thrown at him yesterday. Which politicians would have responded with a bit more spunk?

John Prescott punching an egg thrower

Back in 2001, John Prescott was hit in the face by an egg while walking to an election rally in North Wales. Rather than shrug it off with a smooth but dull comment, Prescott instantly punched the mulleted protestor clean in the jaw. Can you imagine Sir Keir doing that? He’d probably pull a muscle.

Andrea Jenkyn giving the finger

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Gordon Brown saying ‘That bigoted woman’

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Peter Mandelson calling being slimed ‘non-violent’

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Nigel Farage being annoyed about a milkshake

Despite being a bellend who played a big part in turning the UK into a raging bin fire, Farage reacted quite amusingly to having a milkshake chucked over him in public. Rather than get ragingly angry he tutted at his bodyguards and said ‘it’s a complete failure’, like a dad who’s asked their child to pull him a pint from the keg of homebrew he keeps under the stairs. He’s not annoyed, just disappointed. Shame about that whole ‘knackering the economy’ and ‘rise in hate crimes’ business, eh Nige, you old funster?