THE worst thing about cheating on your long-term partner is the fuss it causes, but it gives you the chance to breathe new life into these classic lines:
‘We don’t talk anymore’
What fascinating topics did you ache to discuss? The nature of consciousness? Faster-than-light travel? You could have mentioned them at any time, but chose instead to f**k an intern. Not an excuse that stands up to scrutiny, but it gets the guilt flowing.
‘I was flattered by the attention’
A pathetic attempt to send your partner off on a detour of wondering how badly they neglected you. Hopefully they won’t follow it to the logical conclusion that if you’re that f**king impressionable you’d rob a bank in exchange for a Freddo and shouldn’t be allowed out alone.
‘I’m under a lot of pressure at work’
And? What, did HR recommend having an affair? Which also involves aggro like lying, juggling your time and covering up incriminating expenditure? The cure for stress isn’t more stress with occasional ball-emptyings, is it?
‘You haven’t got time for me these days’
Excellent. This whole ugly business is their fault. A partner who truly loves you might fall for it and feel to blame. Sure, you sound like a whiny teenager or Anakin Skywalker in Attack of the Clones but personal humiliation is well worth it.
‘I needed to feel attractive’
Technically your attractiveness was established by a third party having sex with you, so really you could have ended your affair after the first shag once your hypothesis was verified. Still, poor you, forced to have enjoyable sex because you don’t look like Margot Robbie.
‘We’ve drifted apart’
Have you? Have you really? An astute partner will realise things are much the same as usual, since neither of you has joined the French Foreign Legion or taken up necromancy. However it’s wonderfully vague and derails a row into an interminable discussion about goals, which is a win for you.
‘I can’t remember the last time we had sex’
This is a terrific excuse. They’ll be thrown into a pit of doubt about whether they’ve been cruelly starving you of sex. Is it any wonder that you strayed? Just don’t overplay your hand: if the last time you had sex was 48 hours earlier, this works less well.
