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Horrific things that will happen if you see a drag queen. By Norman Steele

DRAG queen events including a children’s storytime have been criticised recently. Quite right, says traditionalist Norman Steele. Here he warns of the life-changing dangers of seeing a man in a dress. 

You will instantly turn extremely gay

Within seconds of seeing a drag act you’ll have a craving for penises and men’s bottoms. If you don’t want to spend the rest of your life in gay bars and public toilets there’s only one cure – a complete brain transplant, and the NHS waiting list must be massive at the moment.

Your dress sense will change 

You’ll look a right twat watching lads and dads football in a dress, high heels and a feather boa, but that’s how you’ll dress now. From what I’ve seen, you’ll also swap the boxer shorts for g-strings and corsets, like the famous bisexual scientist Dr Frank N Furter. It’s diabolical what the gender benders will make you wear, and after I’d just spent £80 on a totally heterosexual North Face jacket as well.

You will start frequenting sleazy Soho bars

I’ve seen them in 1970s films. You’ll go in and have some watered-down champagne for £15 a glass with a tall woman called Lola who, when you get frisky, turns out to have meat and two veg. The worst thing is you’d only planned to pop out and get some compost from B&Q.

You’ll reject normal society

Adults and children alike will hate being in a normal semi-detached house and come to believe it is ‘fun to stay at the YMCA’. Sorry, non-gender-specific woke persons, but non-stop 24-hour buggery isn’t my idea of fun. You’ll also have no interest in a traditional career like lorry driver or accountant, instead becoming a rent boy, sailor or – God help us – another drag queen.

Your music tastes will change 

You’ll immediately hate proper men’s music like Dire Straits. You won’t be able to sit down and appreciate a good Chris Rea song any more – you’ll want to prance around the room to Hi-NRG dance music. The Cream of Clapton will be consigned to the wheelie bin, and you’ll be singing along with the perverts on the soundtrack to Cabaret.

You will become outrageously camp 

You’ll arrive at the pub and Geoff will ask if you want a pint, but you’ll go: ‘Ooooh, wouldn’t you like to know, duckie? Oh go on then, make it a STIFF ONE, ‘cos I can’t wait to get my lips round a STIFF ONE! And get some crisps or I’ll scratch your eyes out, you old tart!’ This is how you will talk now, all the time. You won’t be able to buy a pair of jeans in M&S without squealing: ‘Ooooh! I like a nice tight fit in the bottom!’ Your life will be a living hell. 

Your relationship with your wife will change

Obviously there’ll be tension from trying on her underwear and dresses. Your sex life will be over, and you’ll insist on her calling you by your drag queen name, eg. ‘Carmen Rimhole’. In short, your life will be in ruins. There’s a repeat of QI with Julian Clary on Dave channel tonight, so I’ve buried the TV in a hole in the garden and concreted it over. It’s just not worth the risk.

Seven middle-aged celebrity cheaters who probably shouldn't have bothered

AFTER a certain age, you’ve got to ask whether having an affair is worth the potential grief. These plucky middle-aged celebrity adulterers gave it a go anyway.

Andrew Buchan

Andrew Buchan, wife Amy Nuttall and new squeeze Leila Farzad aren’t exactly household names, so their upsetting love-rift mainly involved tabloid readers weighing up which of the two ladies is fittest. Still, it’s something to do in your coffee break, so thank you, Andrew Thingy, Layla Wotsit and The Red-Haired One.

Dominic West

Dominic fairly understandably had an affair with Downton Abbey hottie Lily James. Which was reported in so much detail you might as well have been having a threesome with them. After weeks, possibly centuries, of in-depth analysis an apparently genuinely remorseful West got back together with his wife, so a bit of a waste of everyone’s time, frankly.

Greg Wallace 

Greg has notched up four marriages and various affairs and is inordinately pleased with himself about this. Sadly the public is only interested in a man who looks like a Doctor Who Sontaran pulling younger women at the level of a mildly interesting curio, like a That’s Life! carrot that appeared to have a penis and testicles.

Hugh Bonneville 

Downton Abbey again. Is there something in the water coolers on set or is everyone just bored shitless like the viewers? Bonneville was long rumoured to have had a super-injunction which is best not messed with. It did him f**k all good though, because you can just Google it. Suffice to say, the liaison really is most unbefitting of the Earl of Grantham.

Danny Dyer 

Try-hard geezer Dyer had a six-week fling with Sarah Harding of Girls Aloud, who didn’t know he was married. The only vaguely interesting thing about this affair is that like the vast majority of Danny’s films – The Business, Age of Heroes, Straightheads – it is entirely forgotten.

Rod Liddle 

Purveyor of reactionary bollocks Liddle had an affair with a woman 21 years his junior, causing his journalist wife Rachel Royce to tell every publication in existence what a shit he was. Hopefully revenge was sweet, but where’s the justice for members of the public who inadvertently imagined Liddle having sex? It’d be like f**king an obese mop. Ew.

Jay-Z

Going out with Beyonce slightly defeats the point of an affair because in terms of attractiveness the only way is down. Maybe she’s really boring in real life, or won’t shut up about Ancient Aliens. Either way, Jay was found out, slapped around by his sister-in-law, undoubtedly got a terrifying bollocking from Beyonce herself, then did a grovelling interview with the New York Times in which he blamed his childhood. So not worth it.

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