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Hancock or Oakeshott: Which duplicitous dickhead should you side with?

WATCHING Matt Hancock squirm over leaked WhatsApp messages is fun until you remember hack ghoul Isabel Oakeshott is to blame. Find out who to support with this guide.

The case for Matt Hancock

Matt Hancock is arguably the innocent in all this. How was he to know a journalist who accused David Cameron of f**king a dead pig would have a moral compass that pointed towards sensationalism? Plus he ate a camel dick on live TV for your amusement, so maybe it’s time you let the thousands of care home deaths slide, yeah? Yeah.

The case for Isabel Oakeshott

Oakeshott is a mum-of-three trying to make ends meet in the cost-of-living crisis on a journalist’s meagre salary. She can’t be blamed for flogging her exclusive bombshell to The Telegraph – she probably wanted to give her kids a hot meal as a special treat. It’s nothing to do with money anyway, she was motivated by her dedication to the truth and sense of public duty. And if she barks that often enough you might even believe her.

The case against Matt Hancock

Tens of thousands of needless deaths. Expert advice of Chris Whitty ignored. Pub-owning mates given PPE contracts. Awkward adulterous snogging you were forced to witness. His face. His inability to f**k off out of public life. The way he stands. The way he talks. His face again. Choosing the side opposed to Matt Hancock would be a no-brainer if Owen Jones had leaked 100,000 messages to the papers. Sadly the world isn’t that simple.

The case against Isabel Oakeshott

She’s written for the Evening Standard, Sunday Times and Telegraph, what more proof do you need that she’s a dreadful person who you should be directing your anger towards? Also remember how irritating it is when her piercing voice spouts her bullshit ‘libertarian’ opinions on BBC Question Time and your heart will tell you she’s the antagonist in this tale.

THE VERDICT

Inconclusive. Both Hancock and Oakeshott are horrible dickheads in their own distinct way, with neither deserving of your support. There are no winners in this political equivalent of watching two diseased rats fighting to the death in a sack, only a hierarchy of losers with us, the spectating public, at the bottom.

Six middle-class World Book Day costumes for your precocious child

WORLD Book Day isn’t an unnecessary ordeal for parents, it’s a unique opportunity to show off just how advanced and superior your posh sprog is. Here’s what to dress them as.

Odysseus

Your son wanted to be Percy Jackson, but you insisted that he would be much cooler if he looked back a few millennia. Unlike sword-wielding warrior Odysseus, your offspring will get his head kicked in at lunchtime for wearing a toga.

Snow White

No Disney nonsense for you, despite the name. Your daughter should be drilled to recite that she is Grimm’s Snow White, or as she is called in the original High German, Schneeweißchen. Forget Dopey and Doc, this one’s focus is on the original story’s exciting plot points like the poisoned comb.

The Little Prince

Show those suckers that your little darling can read French, too. Well, he did technically read it in translation, but there is a significant etymological crossover between French and English via Latin, actually. That should shut up any nit-pickers.

One of the Little Women

Finally, a proper children’s book not about magic. Impress parents and teachers with a costume obsessively dedicated to 1860s historical accuracy. That’s what makes reading so magical – a pedantic level of detail.

Winston Smith from Nineteen Eighty-Four

Admit it, your six-year-old has never read Orwell, which is probably just as well with the face-eating rats bit. You just wanted a picture you could post on Twitter to make some sort of bland political point for a few likes. It’s what World Book Day is all about.

Matilda

Roald Dahl’s child genius is very much how you see your offspring, with your superb parenting responsible. It’s just a shame their actual academic abilities are less ‘child prodigy’ and more Stig of the Dump.

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