CHRISTMAS is a time of goodwill to all men and massive pay cheques for certain musicians, such as these.
Noddy Holder
The undisputed king of festive songs. The Slade frontman’s joyous klaxon-like scream that Christmas has arrived is probably only outdone by his raucous ‘ker-ching’ when the royalty statement lands on the doormat. It’s a gravy chain that’s sure to last forever, unless future generations find a reason to cancel him, which given that he’s a 70s celebrity isn’t exactly off the cards.
Mariah Carey
The tinkling intro and opening warble of All I Want for Christmas Is You have you trained to start salivating over mince pies like a dog with Pavlovian conditioning, if Pavlov had been a pioneer of Christmas schmaltz. Just like climate change, this exhausting song is a permanent, miserable part of everyone’s life. The only person benefiting from it is Mariah Carey, which is just as well because she hasn’t had a hit in a few decades.
Roy Wood
One-time Wizzard frontman Roy Wood has surely been living off I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday since 1973. Especially since he topped up his coffers by churning out a new live version and a tedious cover featuring the Wombles. Imagine still getting paid a fortune for a piece of work you did 50 years ago. That’s the dream.
Michael Bublé
A relative newcomer to the scene, but your mum’s favourite wanking material has already got the Christmas song market in a headlock by releasing a full album stuffed with festive tunes. An easy money spinner for the Canadian crooner. He could get a soundalike to grind through the cover versions while watching his bank balance explode.
Shane MacGowan
Not even the inclusion of a lyric that people pretend to be offended about can dent Fairytale of New York’s popularity. Arguably the best Christmas song of all time, this Irish folk-style pop ballad must make Shane MacGowan a multi-millionaire on an annual basis. Luckily we know he’ll spend it wisely. He’s probably on his Peloton right now.
