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Doctor Who fans furious to discover it is load of bollocks

ANGRY Doctor Who fans have condemned the programme after realising it is total bollocks.

‘Whovian’ Roy Hobbs attacked producers after realised the series is about a shape-changing alien that lives in a phone box.

Hobbs said: “It’s taken me 32 years to realise this programme is the biggest load of bollocks going.

“The basic idea is fucking ridiculous, the Daleks look like ice cream cones, none of it makes any sense.

“I blame the BBC for not pointing this out earlier. Had they done so I could have saved a fortune on conventions and ‘limited edition collector’s item’ cyberman toys. And they are toys, not scale models as I was led to believe.

“Also I could probably have experienced sexual intercourse.”

Cafe condiments confirmed as best way to explain offside rule

THE offside rule in football is best explained using the condiments in a greasy spoon type cafe, it has been confirmed.

The condiments – usually salt, pepper, squeezy plastic tomato and a bowl of sugar – beat off competition from the contents of a workplace desk and one of those huge iPads they use on Match of the Day.

Football scientist Helen Archer said: “For example, Sergio Aguero is the salt and Phil Jagielka is the vinegar and Leighton Baines is the sugar.

“David Silva is the squeezy plastic tomato with ketchup in it, or maybe salsa would be more fitting, but actually no, greasy spoons don’t have salsa.

“So, David Silva-tomato wants to play the ball, which is a balled up receipt for the breakfast you’ve ordered, to Sergio Aguero-salt.

“The squeezy tomato can’t pass the receipt to the salt if the salt is in front of the vinegar and the sugar and there are no more condiments beyond them, unless the receipt is passed from behind this spilt coffee, which we’ll use as the half way line. Simple as that.”

Onlooker Stephen Malley said: “What if the salt is in front of the spilt coffee but not interfering with play?”

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