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Bruce Springsteen fan wondering when he'll write song about Swindon

A BRITISH fan of Bruce Springsteen is wondering why his idol has never written a song about the Wiltshire town of Swindon.

Swindon native Nathan Muir noted that The Boss has written songs about US locations from Philadelphia to Atlantic City to Nebraska, but has puzzlingly yet to venture across the pond to immortalise Swindon.

He said: “Bruce is all about valorising the downtrodden working man. Well, life doesn’t get much downtrodden than round here. It’s shit.

“His track could encompass classic Springsteen themes like the atmosphere of hopelessness and despair that hangs around post-industrial towns, and he could also mention our Museum of Computing.

“There’s Stonehenge nearby, which you’d think would be majestic but is a right f**king rip-off with an A-road roaring past, and there’s Swindon Town FC. Their record over the last 30 years is an EP in itself.

“It’d be a departure, because he’s not covered roundabouts, concrete multi-storey car parks or insurance branch offices before, but the ups and downs of life for Swindonians like me is a glaring omission from his back catalogue.

“It’s like he’s never even heard of Swindon.”

Going To The Park For A Fight: the government guidelines

AS lockdown eases, many British citizens will be heading to a park, beach or beauty spot for drunken mayhem and a punch-up. Ensure you follow the rules: 

Kick off for any reason

After three months of lockdown, any flimsy pretext is acceptable. Stare someone out, claim they are looking at your girlfriend’s bust, or as you’re in a park, ask if they have brought the mandatory bag of stale bread crusts. If not, you are clear to punch them for disrespecting the ducks.

Arrive in a threatening mob

For a pleasant afternoon in the park, why not turn up with 30 shirtless male friends each with a case of Stella? Parks are exempt from the rule of six, as the government appreciates you are ready to return to drunken aggro after months of our world-beating crappy nightclubs being shut.

Take a football, frisbee or drone

On the surface normal, non-violent park activities, all can usefully provoke other users of public amenities. Landing your drone non-optimally on a fellow patron’s child and you’ll soon be getting the beating of a lifetime from an irate builder.

Make full use of the facilities

You pay your council tax for park facilities, so it’s your civil right to use them for violence. Recreate great British naval battles with pedallos on the boating lake, or, if there’s a petting zoo, find out if you can win a head-butting contest with a family of goats.

Take an alcohol-based picnic 

Alcohol is the social ice-breaker that makes a mass brawl go swimmingly and raises £12 billion in duty every year. Try to be buzzing with Tesco vodka and unfocused anger by 2pm. However, if you’re repeatedly punching a horse that keeps bouncing back up, you may be fighting a children’s ride on a spring.

Don’t forget the kids!

Encourage your children to join in the park-based violence. Get them to batter other children over a Cornetto and look back on your excellent parenting skills when you later visit each other in prison.

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