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Easter and the Royals - how to explain weird, outdated shit to your kids

RAISING kids is no easy task, especially when teachers are filling their heads with toxic crap about Easter being about ‘more than just eggs’. Explain it away: 

The Easter story

Your kids are happily painting eggs and gluing bunnies to hats, then a rogue teacher tries to link all that to the Bible. ‘Who is Jesus, and why can’t he stay dead?’ asks your five-year-old daughter. Stick her in front of The Mandalorian, tell her to watch for baby Yoda and say ‘This should cover it.’ It won’t, but it’ll distract her.

Royalty

Harry this, Meghan that, the big-eared one, the bald one. It’s deeply confusing even for adults. If your child ever asks why one old lady owns so many crowns, explain that all the Spice Girls are still famous and rich even though it’s been 25 years since Wannabe. Basically it’s the same thing.

Daylight savings time

When your little cherub asks ‘Why are we going to bed early but on time, and why is it sunny at night?’ you can’t say ‘because f**king farmers’ because they’re still good guys in kids’ books. Instead claim clocks get impatient in spring, then tired in autumn.

Piers Morgan

There will come a time when your child is introduced to concepts like nuclear war, genocide, erectile dysfunction and Piers Morgan. It’s best to not tackle these topics at bedtime for fear of inducing nightmares. Say ‘Yes, self-inflated pustules of hyperbolic fear and impotent rage exist, some of them are awarded TV shows and some become president, but they are always defeated in the end.’

Long division

You’re on your own with this one.

How to still have a horrendously inconvenient wedding with only six people

FOR thousands of couples, the dream of a huge, ruinously expensive wedding is over. But your big day can still ruin your guests’ month. Here’s how: 

Have an appalling theme

A shortage of people does not preclude an irksome theme to your wedding. Try Old Hollywood, Star Trek or eco-conscious. Demand your guests are half-heartedly costumed as Romulans or constantly remind them they are eating off paper plates made from recycled toilet paper.

Force awkwardness

As bride and groom, it’s your prerogative to put people next to people they cannot stand. With only four guests this isn’t easy, so you’ll have to kick your parents off the guest list and invite the four most repellent people you know. Unless they’re already your parents.

Insist on huge presents

Just because nobody can come to your wedding doesn’t mean they can’t make a crippling financial contribution. Keep up the pressure via mailing lists and WhatsApp groups, with an emphasis on how much money they’ve saved not attending foreign stag and hen dos.

Do a disturbing speech

Your guests may be few, but you can still make them deeply uneasy. Like: ’Michelle and me have been through a lot, we still have the scars, we have lost a very good friend and can no longer legally visit Turkey, but we have stayed strong and she is the queen of my heart forever.’

Choose a terrible first dance song and perform a rehearsed routine

Nothing makes guests wish the ground would open up and Satan would drag them to hell more than watching you dance. Shape of You and Everything I Do are cliches, so think further afield with The Birdie Song or anything by Queen. Train cameras on your four guests’ faces and livestream their reactions.

Work the room nonetheless

Every bride and groom has to chat to all the twats and randoms you’ve invited. With only six people present, just tell them all how glad you are they could make it 40 times.

One guest must be hammered

A guest with a very low tolerance for alcohol should be plied with so much they start dancing wildly, vomit or create a tedious drama by collapsing in the toilets. Ideally, while wearily phoning an ambulance, you should discover they have shat themselves.

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