THERE’S so much great literature out there that you’re never going to be arsed to read. Here’s the gist of 15 classic books so you can pretend you have:
To Kill a Mockingbird
Harrowing tale of a Deep South rape trial and the racism surrounding it. If you didn’t read it in GCSE English you aren’t going to pick it up now. Just remember the name Atticus Finch for a pub quiz question some day.
Frankenstein
A gothic masterpiece. Appear as if you’ve read it by telling anyone who’ll listen that Frankenstein is the name of the doctor, not the monster.
One Hundred Years of Solitude
An epic novel charting the story of seven generations of Colombian family the Buendías. The title is what you’d need in order to get more than about halfway through.
Nineteen Eighty-Four
A dystopian tale of mass surveillance featuring the ominous Big Brother. Don’t get it confused with the TV show you got obsessed with when Alison Hammond was on it or you’ll look really thick.
The Great Gatsby
Mysterious millionaire hosts a bunch of fancy, art deco parties. Probably about the American Dream. Just watch the film, it’s got that Leonardo-DiCaprio-raising-a-champagne-glass meme that you love in it.
Wuthering Heights
Your entire knowledge of this book comes from the Kate Bush song. And that’s fine, she summarises the story better than SparkNotes.
Don Quixote
Mad Spaniard heads off to become a chivalrous knight and tries to have a scrap with a windmill. Sounds fun but is really f**king long.
Ulysses
Stream of consciousness epic by James Joyce that follows Leopold Bloom around Dublin. No one has ever finished it so don’t worry about having to discuss the finer details.
The Catcher in the Rye
Dickish teenager thinks he’s special.
Pride and Prejudice
Rude posh bloke turns out nice in the end. If you know the plot of Bridget Jones’ Diary, you’ll be fine.
Game of Thrones
Tits. Dragons. Murder. Tits.
Moby Dick
The mad quest of Captain Ahab to kill the white whale that took his leg. He fails and the whale kills him. The end.
Lolita
Nasty old pervert becomes obsessed with 12-year-old girl. Don’t read it on the bus or you’ll get a reputation as a wrong ‘un.
War and Peace
Tolstoy’s literary epic about the Russian aristocracy at the time of the French invasion. Watch the recent BBC adaptation instead, there’s way more sex.
Oliver Twist
Vulnerable little orphan boy is exploited by a gang of thieves. Not as good without the songs.
