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Who are the future Bake-Off contestants of Team GB?

THEY may be unknown now, but after the next fortnight our Olympians will crop up on Bake-Off, Strictly, and Celebrity Masterchef. So who are they? 

Sophie Rodriguez, high jump, Loughborough

The unexpected winner of silver, Rodriguez has loved jumping high ever since failing to grow out of it as a child. She will appear on Celebrity Gogglebox with her girlfriend and you will mistake her for a young Mel C.

Oliver O’Connor, 400m men’s freestyle, Warwick

Fresh-faced Oliver will sign up for on Strictly on the basis that mastery of one physical discipline is no advantage in mastering another – a lie – but will be eliminated in week four because voters do not know who he is. Will neither romance or be bullied, making the experience decidedly mid.

Stephen Malley, mixed archaic pentathlon, Stirling

Unlikely champion Malley is no talker, making his upcoming I’m A Celebrity appearance easy to miss. By lurking in the background, making soup and winning stars, he will last almost a fortnight before he is eliminated by eventual winner Suella Braverman.

Marie Fisher, Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland, Aberystwyth

Winning two golds for Team GB, E-Olympic hero Fisher will appear on Celebrity Bake-Off and create a passable soufflé. Wearing a tracksuit for her time in the tent indicates she is either fishing for sponsorship or is like that all the time.

Carolyn Ryan, synchronised barrel waterfall challenge, Keswick

The Olympics are Greek and so in drama is the Greek chorus, put on stage to react to the action and show the audience what to think. Carolyn will perform this role in Celebrity Big Brother. 

Julian Cook, nude marathon, Hackney

Won’t even mention his bronze medal during his appearance on Celebrity Ex On The Beach next year. It would be lost on that audience.

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Dad ruining stag do

ENJOYMENT of a man’s Prague stag do has been drastically reduced by the presence of the groom-to-be’s father, guests have confirmed. 

30-year-old Oliver O’Connor, who marries next month, invited all his closest and hardest-partying friends along while neglecting to mention he was also bringing his 67-year-old father.

Best man Tom Logan said: “We came to Prague for the strip clubs, the lethal £1 pints of local lager, the uninhibited atmosphere and above all, to push Oli into the Krizik fountain while he’s dressed in a gimp suit.

“Unfortunately, the presence of a stern man who owns an industrial cleaning business and ‘can’t be holding with nonsense’ has made all of those activities impossible and anyway he’s booked us on a hop-on, hop-off bus tour and dinner on a river cruise.”

O’Connor said: “I had to invite him, but I’ve got 16 lads here itching to do a line off a lapdancer’s tit and he’s talking about fin de siècle architecture? You can’t even stop for an Aperol without him warning you about data roaming charges for the fifth time that day.

“We can’t shake him. Try to go off to a museum and he follows. Try to go back to the hotel and he’s there before you. Three of the lads simply ran away, and all our envious eyes followed them.”

Neil O’Connor said: “I thought I’d struggle keeping up with these young ones, but I’m actually leading the way! I had four wheat beers yesterday. Then turned in early, because tomorrow we’re going to see the famous astrological clock.”

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