THE England team, favourite to win the tournament, are in fact crap. Which one player is entirely responsible and should be sent home?
Steve Malley, poker player: “What people don’t realise about Phil Foden is Pep controls him with a complex system of magnets under the pitch. Without those he’s useless.”
Martin Bishop, eel chef: “For me, if Trent Alexander-Arnold can’t master a position he’s never played for his country before in two games it shows he hates England.”
Charlotte Phelps, barmaid: “If Jude Bellingham’s intimidating the rest of them by being good and trying, kick him out. It’s a team game Jude.”
Carolyn Ryan, facilities manager: “Wait, I forget the rules. Isn’t it not until after the group stage we can swap say Toney for Mbappe and they can’t stop us?”
Joe Turner, farmer: “I know this one. It’s Lineker, isn’t it?”
