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The Mash guide to the Man United shortlist

DAVID Moyes has gone, but who will replace him in the toughest job in the world of the football?

Ryan Giggs: The Red legend has been made interim manager, but is unlikely to be appointed permanently because the club want to destroy their legacy United-style rather than just copying Liverpool.

Time travelling Sven-Göran Erikkson: The England manager, fresh from an impressive Euro campaign, is apparently keen to travel 10 years into the future, manage United for a decade of initial success and increasing disappointment, and then return to his own time a broken man.

Santiago Mourinho: The long-lost twin of José Mourinho is a footballing genius who will never forgive his brother for the scars he bears. A titanic emotional battle between these bitter rivals will end on a cliffhanger when Santiago claims to be the real father of José’s son.

Anus Flex Ogre: This masked Scot, who refuses to reveal his true identity, promises to return the club to where it was a year ago after a spectacularly unsuccessful period as a recruitment consultant.

The Continuity IRA: The black balaclava-clad terrorist group with a proven record of following illustrious predecessors could finally bring the stirring sectarian hatred of the Scottish leagues to England.

David Moyes: Everton manager with an impressive list of achievements, including European qualification, on a tight budget who feels he is ready to step up. Strong candidate struggling to explain ten-month gap in CV.

England on fire as dragons take their revenge

TOWNS and villages across England are ablaze after giant dragons chose St George’s Day to avenge their murdered comrade.

The fire-breathing lizards with wings emerged from their caves at sunrise and swept down on unsuspecting communities, setting light to roofs, cars and thousands and thousands of people.

Jane Thompson, who was running for her life in Peterborough, said: “Jesus fucking Christ, what the hell is happening? Where is the army? WHERE THE FUCK IS THE ARMY?”

She added: “The funny thing is we needed the roof redone anyway. So at least now we can claim it on the insurance.”

Thompson was then incinerated by a searing jet of sulphurous flame that seemed to come from the very pits of hell.

Martin Bishop, a 417 year-old dragon from Salisbury, said: “The fact is that dragon was on its way home after a hard day’s work helping humans and St George, who had been accused of sexual harassment, needed a distraction.

“So he accuses this innocent dragon of eating a baby and then executes it in broad daylight as everyone stands around and cheers him on like he’s some kind of bloody hero.”

Bishop added: “And yet you continue to idolise this monster. How would you like it if we celebrated Saint Hitler’s Day every year? Because that’s basically what you’re doing. It’s incredibly offensive.

“Anyway, I guess this year it all got too much, what with the economy and everything.

“Have you been watching Game of Thrones? It’s quite good, isn’t it?”

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