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Roy Hodgson made honorary dominatrix

ROY Hodgson has been honoured by the Chartered Institute of Dominatrixes for his work in the field of humiliation. 

The former England manager and face of Co-operative Funeral Planning was given accreditation for his “imaginative, cruel and degrading” punishment of England fans over the last four years.

Spokeswoman Helen Archer said: “A good domme takes the client on a journey through pain and even pleasure to the final crushing reality that they were no better than a lowly worm all along.

“Roy could have piled on the pain straight away at Euro 2012 but instead offered jaded England fans just enough positivity to spark a flame of optimism.

“His solid qualifying records kindled fires of real hope, until the crushing loss against Iceland plunged fans back into self-loathing. Exquisite.”

Hodgson said: “It is a great honour, obviously I’m a career masochist. Why else would I have taken the job?”

Britain asks Kate Bush to take over

BRITONS have asked Kate Bush to be their supreme leader.

As the country continued its death spiral, researchers at the Institute for Studies found that the Hounds of Love singer is the most popular choice to run the government.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “According to our poll, Kate Bush is well in the lead, followed by David Attenborough although he’s probably a bit old.

“Kate Bush is quite reclusive though, so we need to find out where she lives and then find out if she’s up for it. 

“She’ll know what to do about all the shit that’s going on, she’s sold millions of albums compared to Boris Johnson’s album sales of zero. We could have Sade as her second-in-command, because Sade would bring a mellow, calming influence.”

Other popular choices include Alan Bennett, Professor Brian Cox and Yoda.

Mary Fisher, from Swindon, said: “We need an elected council of wise elders who are neither right or left but simply for the good of the country.

“Either that or we need a new album by The Smiths.”

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