A DEMENTED albino billionaire is threatening to beam images of a rutting Wayne Rooney into every home on Earth unless he is handed control of the world’s nuclear arsenal.
Oil to telecomms magnate Aldo Fazzenbacker, whose pet praying mantis Ernst is the nearest thing he has ever had to family, issued the ultimatum in a broadcast which appeared simultaneously and without warning on every television channel.
He said: “The tape which I hold in my purple-gloved hands contains images that make John Leslie look like Mrs Potts, the singing teapot from Beauty and the Beast.
“Imagine Rooney’s head turning crimson as he vigorously bothers a bonk-eyed orange tart with the complimentary pillow mint stuck to her left buttock. Then picture him at the moment of fruition, twisted into a hooting, neckless mess of lust that will indelibly print itself into your mind, corrupting all your fondest memories.”
He added: “So far the images have only been viewed by chimpanzees who subsequently pulled each other’s faces off. But unless my demands are met, these are the things you will never be able to unsee.”
Sex tape experts have urged governments to hand over missile launch keys after warning of the so-called ‘Medusa effect’ whereby an image is so horrific that the viewer drops dead on the spot, their face a mask of pure horror, as if they had just watched the Medusa Touch starring Richard Burton.
Teacher Roy Hobbs, from Stevenage, said: “Usually when I hear of a new celebrity sex tape I will grudgingly Google it in an apathetic, modern sort of way.â€
“But faced with this I’d rather build a time machine, travel to the future, film my own death and then come back and watch it every night while I’m eating my tea.
“Then again, it still sounds better than that James Corden sports quiz on Sky.”
