MANCHESTER United fans were celebrating last night after Wayne Rooney ended a six year prostitute revelation drought.
The striker was back to his best after a series of spectacular £1200-a-night intercourse sessions with a money-grubbing tart who was obviously going to tell the News of the World the moment he crawled back into his childish car.
It is the England star’s first competitive sex scandal since pumping some fat old skank in the changing room of a Merseyside shell suit boutique in 2004.
Manager Sir Alex Ferguson said: “A lot of people will say that a player of Wayne’s extreme wealth and intense stupidity should be bedding greasy whores week in-week out.
“I think even Wayne would accept that they have a point, but the fact that this lad was able to do it while his wife was pregnant is genuinely world class.”
Fabio Capello has also welcomed Rooney’s return to whore-mongering form.
The England manager said: “The low point was in South Africa, after the
Germany game, when Wayne attempted a reverse Dutch Steamboat with a
local hooker and ended up fracturing his wrist, losing the remote control and scaring the sweet bejesus out of Peter Crouch.
“For a player of his
abilities this was basic sex trade and I worried he’d have to hang up
his Travelodge loyalty card for good. But that one in the papers? I would beat you to death
with Clive Tyldesley’s just to watch her clean the bathroom.”
Adulterologist Dr Emma Bradford said it was still unclear how
Rooney’s wife Coleen would react but it would almost certainly involve a
shameless amount of money, the repeated use of the words ‘RAT’ and
‘TEARS’ in massive capital letters and then some more money.
She
added: “It’s such a tragedy because they have been together since Wayne
was thinking about having sex with prostitutes as a 14 year-old boy.
“But
unfortunately this is the guaranteed outcome when you hitch your wagon
to an arse-faced millionaire with the brain of a stuffed gibbon.”
Meanwhile some England fans stressed the exposé had once again forced them to imagine what Rooney’s orgasm face might look like.
Wayne
Hayes, from Hatfield, said: “I reckon it’s like an angry, sunburnt tortoise that’s just
stubbed its toe.”
