subscribe
/ Sign Out

Mourinho unveils schedule for extensive pre-season ego trip

JOSE Mourinho has revealed plans for a summer tour of his monumental self-regard.

Next season’s Premier League promises to be the most egotistical ever, and the Manchester United boss is facing stern competition in the vanity stakes from Pep Guardiola and Jurgen Klopp.

Mourinho said: “My ego has to be ready to hit the ground running, like a beautiful cheetah.

“First I’m going to praise myself for steering United to the giddy heights of 6th, before patting myself on the back for somehow noticing that Romelu Lukaku was a good player.

“Then I’m going to compare myself favourably with Antonio Conte, Alex Ferguson and Jesus, and flirt shamelessly with the press pack until they tell me I’m special.

“Finally I’m going to bully Rafa Benitez until he starts crying, because it makes me feel alive.”

Desperate Tories taking copious notes during Game of Thrones

SENIOR Tories have been watching Game of Thrones for tips on how they can make things worse, it has been confirmed.

Ministers, advisers and backbench MPs were studying the drama closely in the hope of discovering new forms of political vandalism and stupidity.

A source close to Theresa May said: “We want to rebrand her as a Daenerys figure; breaking the chains of EU bondage, impervious to the flames of negativity. That should do the business.

“Any comparison with Cersei Lannister – the ruthless, naive tyrant whose thirst for power at any cost could destroy a nation – is ridiculous, offensive and exactly the sort of thing that erodes public trust in politicians.”

They source added: “Although we would be pretty happy with Cersei’s approval ratings at this point.”

Members of Boris Johnson’s team were also understood to be taking notes in the hope of mounting a leadership bid that will not be utterly pathetic this time.

According to insiders, the foreign secretary sees himself as an arch schemer in the mould of callous string-puller Petyr Baelish, but is considered to be far closer to the terrifying, but ultimately ridiculous child king Joffrey Baratheon.

Next story ›