THE BBC is to warn Match Of The Day fans before showing scenes of a graphic Blackpool nature, it was confirmed last night.
Following Blackpool’s promotion to the Premier League, next season’s programmes will feature a message from Simon Bates, warning that some scenes may be unsuitable for those who visited the resort and spent the whole time scraping a thick, brown film from their skin while dodging used condoms and the drunk Glaswegians who had recently filled them.
BBC producer Martin Bishop said: “After last years’ Alan Pardew unpleasantness we must do all we can to avoid inflicting any fresh traumas on our mentally fragile audience.
“The last thing we want is somebody having a Vietnam-style flashback to a sticky, matted stag weekend involving a 36-hour karaoke session and a basket of deep fried skanks.”
Bishop said the corporation would also be forced to pixelate the face of Blackpool manager Ian Holloway what with it looking like the result of a toddler being handed a large egg and a marker pen.
But experts insist that television coverage will be vital to Blackpool’s ambitions to become Lancashire’s answer to Monte Carlo if the Riviera playground smelled constantly of burnt fat.
Julian Cook, professor of being beside the seaside at Reading University, said: “The average house price has already skyrocketed to almost 2000 Nectar points and Marks and Spencer is considering opening a store about 65 miles from the town centre.
“However, there is still a long way to go which means the only reason why anyone should visit Blackpool is if a raging forest fire or a battalion of armoured hell-hounds is pushing you inexorably toward the coast.”
Meanwhile the local council has made Holloway a freeman of the borough, which, under a 900 year-old by-law, gives him the right to wheelbarrow a drunk girl from Gateshead along the Golden Mile without having to clean up her droppings.
