subscribe
/ Sign Out

Liverpool fans hail player they've never heard of as saviour

ROBERTO Firmino is the man to fire Liverpool to the Premier League title, according to supporters who only learned his name yesterday.

Firmino has signed from a German club no-one has ever head of for £29 million, and Reds fans are predicting great things for the right or left-sided player who is probably Brazilian.

Season ticket holder Joe Turner said: “I’ve always rated Firmino, ever since I first heard about him four hours ago. He’ll be the perfect replacement for Steven Gerrard, or maybe Raheem Sterling, or possibly Simon Mignolet.”

Fellow Kopite Bill McKay said: “It’s great this club can attract someone of Firmino’s calibre, assuming that calibre is high.”

Firmino said: “I am delighted to join whichever club it is that has just offered me £250,000 a week.

“Since childhood I have dreamed of being a desperate panic buy. It’s a great day.”

Dukes of Hazzard admit KKK membership

MOST characters in The Dukes of Hazzard were members of the Ku Klux Klan, Bo and Luke Duke have revealed.

The happy-go-lucky 1980s TV characters have admitted they were violently opposed to black people and ‘Yankees’.

Bo Duke said: “According to the theme music, we were ‘just good ol’ boys, never meaning no harm’. That wasn’t strictly true because we used to put burning crosses on people’s lawns.

“Viewers would see us being chased by Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane and assume we were running moonshine or embroiled in some crazy scheme involving Boss Hogg and a treasure map showing an abandoned gold mine.

“But it was probably because we’d just attended an illegal Klan rally or tried to assassinate a liberal politician using a bow and arrow with a stick of dynamite on it.”

The Dukes have now renounced racism and selling alcohol that can cause blindness, but said their extreme political views should have been obvious due to the giant confederate flag on the General Lee and the absence of black characters.

Luke Duke added: “I’m not making excuses, but all the folks of Hazzard County were racist. Uncle Jesse was a Grand Wizard and even Cletus was in favour of segregated water fountains.

“Daisy was the worst. I think men would have found her a lot less attractive if they’d known she was obsessed with crackpot racial supremacist theories and spent all day quoting from Mein Kampf.”

Next story ›