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Ferguson to auction skull collection

SIR Alex Ferguson is to auction off his extensive collection of human skulls. 

The former Manchester United boss collected approximately 5,000 skulls over his 27 years in the Old Trafford hotseat, mostly from referees, rival managers, and goalkeepers who displeased him.

Ferguson said that he took up skull collecting as a hobby to relieve the stress of managing one of the world’s biggest clubs.

He said: “It allowed me to think about something outside the game. I needed to have things to distract me from football or I’d have gone mad.”

Ferguson described his famous practice of inviting visiting managers into his office after the final whistle.

“We’d always have a glass of wine – theirs would have sedatives in – then I would put on some Huey Lewis and the News and reach into my drawer for a cleaver.”

Vintage skulls in the Ferguson collection include Mark Bosnich, Paul McGrath, and Kevin Keegan, who memorably said in 1996 ,“I would love it, love it, if Alex Ferguson didn’t cut off my head, boil it and then display my skull.”

Tesco vows to take Britain down with it

TESCO has warned the people of the UK that they will pay with their lives for abandoning it.

The once dominant supermarket is determined to go out in a blaze of glory rather than fade away like Fine Fare.

A spokesman said: “The legend of a store where every little helps will be the only surviving memory of Britain and its people in the blasted, empty ruin this island will become.”

The operation will begin with riots at Tesco stores caused by rock-bottom prices and the offer of 10,000 Clubcard points for the head of a rival supermarket employee.

Once in control of the nation’s food supplies, Tesco will draft young men for a bloody civil war against the government fighting from Tesco Extra strongholds.

Tesco Metros will become munitions dumps for urban warfare, with a Tesco Local in every neighbourhood housing enough stackers-turned-soldiers to enforce a curfew.

Mary Fisher of Crawley said: “I shop at Tesco, I bank with Tesco, my mobile phone is with Tesco, and they’ve made it clear they know all my secrets.

“But when has the government ever given me a third off pork loin steaks? I’m proud to fight and die for the red, white and blue.”

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