England team struggling to master conversational French

THE England squad is under pressure to master the subjunctive tense before travelling to France for Euro 2016.

While the majority of the 23-man squad can capably order a crepe and describe their hobbies to a pen-pal in French, manager Roy Hodgson fears their lack of grammatical nous will be shown up in the tournament.

He said: “It’s a young squad, and I’m not expecting them to effortlessly gender nouns after a couple of weeks together.

“But if we’re still confusing the indefinite and partive article when we take to the pitch in Marseille we’re in big trouble.

“No, Marcus, no! He’s your bloody teammate, you don’t need to use the formal form of address! Tu, for fuck’s sake, tu!”

Harry Kane said: “The pundits write us off, but I honestly believe we can correctly use any modal verb on our day and lift La Championnat d’Europe.

“Wait, I meant Le Championnat d’Europe. Shit.”

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Town launches urgent appeal to help man without a shed

A MIDLANDS town has launched an urgent charity campaign to help a 47-year-old man who has found himself without a shed.

Roy Hobbs relocated from central Leicester to Hinckley for work, but did not realise that the home he was moving into was somehow devoid of sheds.

He has now spent six days without anywhere to put his lawnmower, smoke or simply sit and family believe he may not last the fortnight.

Hobbs said: “I just stand on the lawn, my insides churning, my adrenal medulla screaming at me to break for shelter.

“I had a fantastic shed at my old place. Well, two sheds. Four actually. There must be one here. There must be one.”

Campaigner Joanna Kramer said: “We’ve had offers of pre-loved sheds, but only a brand new one will give Roy the course of woodstaining and shelf-building he needs to be rehabilitated.

“We have to raise at least £400 before next Sunday. Time is running out.”

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